loveI’ve been brought up to think that I don’t need anyone for anything. Then, I meet someone and suddenly everything’s changed. I feel like I need that person, I can’t live without that person, I’m obsessed with that person. I’ve opened up for that person in every way, knowing I have a fear of getting too close to people because they might hurt me, but yet, I trust so much in that person.

I feel confused because I’ve always been somehow not in need of anyone, but now since I feel like I do, I’m starting to think of myself as weak or empty or in need of security. But then again, I feel like that person is a part of me, inside me, my other half, my completion, my true companion, my best friend… It’s like that person has seen me in my most vulnerable state, but that’s my natural state. Inside, we are all vulnerable.

“Bountiful is your life, full and complete. Or so you think, until someone comes along and makes you realize what you have been missing all this time. Like a mirror that reflects what is absent rather than present, he shows you the void in your soul – the void you have resisted seeing. That person can be a lover, a friend, or a spiritual master. Sometimes it can be a child to look after, what matters is to find the soul that will complete yours” – The Fourty Rules of Love by Elif Shafak (novel)

I think that the best way to find someone whom you have a special connection with is through time. As long as you are patient, God will reward you and give you what is best for you.

I don’t want to say that your happiness depends on another person, because you can choose to be happy in every moment of your life and at the end of the day, you are with yourself and can provide everything for yourself, but it’s so special when you view someone to be you – like you are one person, and you’re so comfortable together to just be, and that person can be anyone, even your pet?

 

 

 

I think that the best indication of how much you love and care for yourself is the time where you don’t have the people who love you connected to you emotionally. When people provide you with love, it feeds your ego. It makes you feel secure, content, and it gets too comfortable. When they suddenly go, and stop feeding you with love, all there is to provide you with genuine love and care is yourself.

I learnt this because I’m naturally independent, but I still need love and care. But when someone who once provided me with everything I want, hurt me, I felt empty, as if a part of my heart was filled by that person, but I can’t fill it with my own love to myself. Suddenly, I just started not caring about things. My health declined, and self-content too. I even stopped blogging and talking to people (well, as much people), as I wanted alone time to self-reflect.

I do feel vulnerable when I write my deepest emotions on the internet, especially when a lot of readers know me in person but have no idea what I’m experiencing. But we need to let go of our egos, and just be transparent with our feelings, because we are all vulnerable. When we were born, we were vulnerable, but didn’t hide it. So, why are we hiding it now?

What happened to me wasn’t bad, it was a mini phase of self-growth. The fact that I point out these negative feelings I have towards myself now, means that I will avoid these feelings in the future. I’m being sensitive enough to distinguish and indicate my emotions, however major or minor, to become a better version of me.

It’s important to become sensitive enough to the workings of your body, mentally, emotionally, and physically, so you can clearly sense when your body is telling you a something (in my case, it’s an unwanted feeling, and my body was telling me to sort it out).

 

A World With No Labels

imageI wish the world didn’t have any labels. If there were no countries, we would just call our world ‘Earth’, we would just call all living things ‘creatures’, so we’re all equal. We wouldn’t place names we can’t pronounce on people with health issues, because they’re just fine. We would stop judging people based on appearance and start discovering each other. We would view the killing of anyone to be unjust, not based on where they live. But the world wouldn’t  work without labels because humans like to give labels to everything, in order to feel more secure. Humans work on a basis of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, ‘beautiful’ and ‘ugly’, ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, hence one of the first things you psychologically do when watching a movie is give these labels to the characters. But how are we as humans understanding each other if we all label things differently?

Labels may be a way to be more ‘civilised’ (another label), to put rules in society in order for us to live ‘correctly’ (not do ‘bad’ things). The government has the label of ‘power’ because without it, we’d be so barbaric. But guess what? We already are barbaric. I feel that ‘society’ is built upon image – people with black suits and glasses who look smart, it’s nothing. If we lived in a lost world with no labels, in my opinion, it would be a much better place, rather than to live in a civilised world that isn’t civilised in any way. A world where smartness is labelled upon the person with a PHD or someone who can use big, complicated words is superficial. A world where innovation means manufacturing new weapons that can kill more people with as little effort as possible is wrong. A world that does have money but chooses to spend it on being so technologically advanced rather than to feed its own people and then complain of an ‘economic breakdown’ is barbaric. A world where people are so ignorant of each other, they create barriers between each other due to race, religion, sex, gender, age, colour, whatever is not civilised.

But I was wrong, I used ‘world’ in every sentence above and it’s not the world, it’s individual people. In fact, it’s not the individual people but it’s their individual choices because we’re all born innocent. I sometimes seem ‘anti-human’, but I know the world is full of beautiful souls (sounds cheesy, but true) and I love them. I just want to see more unity, warmth, understanding, care, tolerance and above all, love because every one of us has the energy to do that. It’s those little things you do when you go out and help someone who’s lost, give up your seat for someone, give charity (not to ‘overcome world poverty’, but to be the cause of someone smiling), and to greet people with pretty smiles.

We are so lucky!

imageI feel so blessed as I honestly have everything I want. Sometimes it strikes an inner fear of losing what I have. I could have been located in war zones, unsafe, hostile places with hardly any human rights. Do we ever forget that we’re actually so blessed? Yet, I just want to be really humble and when I think that I’m so blessed and get these little butterflies from inside, I think “it’s too much for me” and I start to feel guilty as there is so much power in my hands.

Then, I get people who think I’m waaaay too lucky, a girl with a nice house, rich, beautiful, has cool, young looking parents and no siblings (always a plus). And I’m like wait… Half these things are not even true. They say “your life is so perfect, I wish I had a mum or dad like you” “I can’t believe you wear make-up, you make me feel so ugly because you’re already beautiful” “I want your life, I want your body”. All these comments make me feel so guilty and I’m constantly being labelled upon how I superficially look like. You should actually be me to really know what my life is like, but then I think, wait, maybe they’re right. My life really is perfect, and if anyone looks in it, they wouldn’t find a flaw. In fact, the only flaw in any life is the person, because the person is the one who chooses how to see their own life.

Everyone on earth gets something if they actually seek something. We all come to this life with a certain amount of gifts and blessings, whether it’s a piece of bread or a giant palace. Don’t look at what others have, not because you can’t properly judge their lives, but because you should be busy enough with yours. No matter how much you compare yourself to someone, nothing will change, but the time that passes away in which YOU could have changed something in your life. Time is not just money, time is energy, time is growing, and time is learning. It’s all about the actions you take, if you want money, Google ‘how to start my own business’ NOW, if you want to change the way your body looks, stop researching and start moving your body. If you want to become an inspiration, live genuinely and honestly and seek to improve yourself, not others. Because the truth is, everyone’s an inspiration, and I learn something from every single person I’ve met and always will.

I didn’t make this blog so I can be labelled as an ‘inspiration’, or to ‘change lives’, I made it to express my inner feelings as I grow. I am a normal person who isn’t perfect, who makes mistakes, and can be mean (sometimes). So in no way should me or my life be labelled as ‘perfect’. Yet, I am thankful for myself and everything I have.