You Just Need To Let Go

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I’ve been trying to let go of that urge to control things. Sometimes I just love things being in my hand and me in control of what’s going on. My hands just grasp on it for my sanity. But I need to let go. I need to let go and accept that whatever will be, will be. There’s been a long time when that feeling of control wasn’t really there or wasn’t so intense. I was in a healthier frame of mind. But now with all sorts of things becoming quite unknown to me and overwhelming to me, there’s this need to control as much of my current life as I can and to hold on tight because of a vulnerability of mine. I need to realise that whatever will be will be, loosen up my fingers and just let go. The worst thing that could happen is perhaps the best thing that could happen, because it’s meant to be. Things should happen freely and flowingly, rather than forced and controlled.

It’s okay if you let go. It’s okay. You don’t own anything, remember that. You are actually not in possession of anything, life doesn’t owe you anything, you’re not supposed to own ‘this or that’. Because you just don’t.

My fear holding me back from letting go requires me to waste my energy and hold onto something with all my power and strength so it allegedly doesn’t disappear from my life. Impossible. It’s a waste of my energy, when we can just let go, let it all be free, and rather than hold onto something, just flow like a feather so light and free in the air. It’s like holding onto the bar of a helicopter and finally letting go so you’re alone just supported by the air. Let it take you. Let it take you away and just let go. Breathe, finally breathe.

Learn to love the journey and enjoy every moment of it without holding onto anything.

Cruelty-free Beauty

DSC_0653I feel that it is so incredibly essential to know where we put our money, and what exactly we are getting. When it comes to food, I think that it is so unnatural to buy something with a label that contains no word you can pronounce. You don’t actually know what it is, you don’t actually know how it’s made, where it’s extracted, where it comes from, and at the end, you put it in your body? Or some people automatically think that if it’s sold in stores, then it is safe and approved to be consumed so there’s nothing to worry about. It is up to you whether you buy these items or not, but I feel like it is your right and your responsibility to know exactly what is going in what you are buying. Sometimes when I go out for a quick snack to eat from a food place, I ask the workers for the ingredients inside their recipes, and they end up panicking asking each other for help because they don’t know what to tell me. They end up asking me if I’m allergic to anything, and I say “no, I just want to know the ingredients, I want to know what I’m buying”. They get surpised by my enquiry and I get surpised because by law, they have to know what they’re selling, they have to have a list of ingredients, and the customer should very easily attain them. I get surpised that this happens in a highly developed country, that customers cannot easily attain an ingredients list, let alone know what they’re buying.

That was a bit off topic from the heading of this post, but I want more people to take responsibility for where they are putting their money. I am very interested in beauty and definitely plan to develop the beauty section on this blog because it’s such a big part of my life and I’m very passionate about it. Because I usually turn to natural products, as part of my hair and body routine, that aspect is cruelty-free. However, in terms of make-up, I stayed away from two companies as I was aware they do animal testing, and I blindly thought that all other companies are okay. But after doing further research, I was surpised by the number of companies or parent companies that actually do animal testing and I feel that is is completely my responsibility to know exactly what I am buying, and what processes are done in creating these products, because I know I cannot physically fund animal testing, giving a company more money in order to carry out what they’re doing. Also, I learned that any company sold in China has to carry out animal testing since it’s required by law there. It just doesn’t make sense to me how some companies can make amazing products and be so successful and not carry out this crime. Just so we can look good. So, any further beauty or make-up products I may mention on this blog I will make sure it is cruelty free, and if you do not think it is, please let me know. It’s amazing how all these top multi-national corporations just abuse cheap labour, cheap land, and using all their resources to extreme utilitarian measures due to greed, possibly paying much cheaper tax, or even no tax at all. With all the crimes they’re committing, they still give you pretty advertisements, with the top celebrities using their products, and the amazing results you’re going to get, and it’s all just a lie. How much are you really chained to the lie? To the world? To the trends? Like it or not, to some extent you are, even subconsciously. I believe that it’s true freedom to be cut from all that.

Another thing I wanted to say, is that mainstream, commercial shampoo contains sulphates to strip the natural oils in your hair and dry it out. You are told the directions, you are told what to do “use this shampoo and follow with the conditioner for amazing silky hair, then use this moisturiser to seal in the hydration” and then people eventually start noticing their hair falling out, the health of their hair declining. So instead, they reach for natural sulphate -free alternatives, but not only that, but paraban-free and possibly mineral-oil free, because they find out that these chemicals are bad. Then those big multi-nationals start coming out with new products that are actually sulphate-free. It’s just ironic how they try to reverse the years of damage that they caused, to still try and get money off you. They obviously know that sulphates are bad for your hair prior to the studies or the media highlighting it. They know how bad and harmful the chemicals they put in the products can be. But they put it for maximum profit. For instant results, just like you see in that advertisement. What’s funny is, you don’t actually need sulphates to wash your hair, but it strips the oils in your hair purposely so you use conditioner, and thus giving more money and feeding that pattern of consumerism. There’s probably another chemical in their shampoo that’s harmful, and in a few years, it’s officially discovered that it’s harmful (even though they already know) then they release products without it, continuously getting money off you.

I just feel like it’s so important to be aware of these things. Not just with food, beauty products, but also the way the media one year claims that one year, fats are bad, and the next year, carbohydrates are bad. Directly having an impact on your diet. One year, it’s good to be skinny, and the next year, it’s good to have curly hair, and the next year it’s good to wear patterened trousers. Again, it’s all consumerism, but I feel like maybe people want to follow these trends because they subconsciously don’t want to “miss out”, they don’t want to feel like they’re missing out on something, the joys of something that they’re constantly surrounded with or budged into their eyes. But that also doesn’t go for trends, but it goes for life. You shouldn’t feel like you need to do something, you shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything, to “fit in” especially if you don’t know the purpose that you are doing it for. You don’t know what you are getting, you don’t know what you are buying from that possible invested time, energy,  money, that you are putting into something. Just like how you check the ingredients list make sure you know what’s in a product because it’s your responsibility to care for yourself and know what you’re actually paying for. So we need to research and educate ourselves about what is in the actual products we are buying, or ideas we are buying or a lifestyle we are following. So, when you come to do something, possibly due to peer-pressure (from any direction), or anything, make sure you know exactly what you are going to get out of it. Don’t follow blindly. You are a free human being and there’s no need to tie yourself down.

 

Openness…

Am I the only person who thinks its not weird to go up to a random person and say ‘hi, I’m going through this and that in my life’? If that was the case, the other person may think you’re weird, you’re random, or they need to get away from you because that’s just not ‘normal’. It’s okay to ask someone for the time, directions, but it’s not normal to go up to someone and say ‘hey.. Have you ever felt like this?’. It’s like a taboo subject. I get surprised whenever people tell me ‘you must really trust me to say this to me’ or ‘Lugine you don’t share things like that with people’, it’s not normal. I feel estranged because I don’t own my experiences, but they’re there to be  shared and be opened about. Because inside of us we are all going through the same thing. We’re all vulnerable. We all need to open up with each other, hug each other, and share. There is some kind of distance between me and the words that I say. When I say something, I’m not ‘saying something so personal to myself’ even though people view it as personal, but I see a distance between the words I say and the very me. I sometimes have this openedness that some people oppose, people think I’m weird. By time I learnt so ‘socialise’ myself in what to say and share with people. But I actually don’t like that. I want to walk with no weight upon myself, I want to walk like an opened heart, feeling and sharing everything. Walking emotionally bare. There is no taboo subject to me, there is nothing that you can say to me that’s ‘weird’ because I know that it’s inside us all.

I guess that’s why people always approach me for things, for help, random people on the street talk to me, pick me to talk to, rather than anybody else due to emitting that openedness because people feel it. People feel that you’re opened to them. Why do people generally find it hard to be emotional or to cry in public? To be opened to the world? To not feel awkward to show their very emotion? Why do some people feel uncomfortable when conversations get too deep, too emotional and hard to grasp? Why are people walking like a rigid, rational, machine rather than a flowy, soft, opened to feel human being? I wish the world was like that.. That anyone can just walk up to anyone and say ‘I’m going through this’ and they both hug each other and other says ‘I’m going through this too’. Love.

I find myself lost. I don’t know who I am. What I stand for. Just lost in emotions. Where am I? I find myself being 12 again. The age of 12 when I faced so many major changes in my life, confused about my identity, asking who am I, where am I, why am I created. A time of complete confusion. A time where I felt lonely, a time where I felt like I needed so much, I needed freedom. Physical and spiritual freedom. I had no confidence. Constrained within myself. I didn’t feel beautiful. Nothing made me feel beautiful. I used to wish someone told me I was truly beautiful. I used to wish a boy could hold me, touch me, just out of pure love and emotion. I used to wish someone can look into my eyes and uplift me, lift me up so so high that I wouldn’t feel a thing. My face showed absolutely no sign of what I was suffering from inside. I wanted to be held, I wanted to feel safe. I wanted someone to wrap around me, protect me. I was so lonely. Gradually during my teenage years, I developed and became a whole new person, each day, just reflecting and growing, mentally and emotionally. I went to all different directions, tried them, experienced them, and picked where I want to be. I got incredible confidence, from simply reducing myself down to my soul, emitting pure love, a pure smile to everything around me. I got to a point where I felt genuine happiness in my life. And through all I’ve been through, I’ve genuinely realised how purely blessed I am, what I want in life, to live a life full of growth, love, and pure embracing of my emotions, good and bad, because they’re all experiences and they’re a blessing for me. That’s how I continued and I know that’s how I want to continue, just living genuinely with love. But how do I feel right now? I feel like I’m back to 12 or my early teenage years. I feel like I want so much, I want so much love, I want to be wrapped and protected. I feel scared. I don’t feel like I’m beautiful. I created this blog originally to share my emotions, and positivity on body image and self-acceptance. How ironic I find myself 3 years later wanting that self acceptance all over again. It’s not as intense as when I was younger, but I really feel like I’m not good enough.. I’m not beautiful enough.. I’m not complete.. I’m crying as I write this.. I don’t know who I am I don’t know what I want.. I feel confused.. I feel like I am nothing.. I want to cry cry cry all my emotions out.. It’s overwhelming.. But this is just growth…

I’m sorry I haven’t been posting as much. This period that I’m in has been slightly unusual for me. I’ve been so far away from my self, so caught up with things that are not myself that I grew distant from the very inner me. I’ve been quiet on my blog simply because I didn’t have anything to share. So lost, so confused, feeling a multitude of things that I couldn’t even begin to express. I had no words to describe the inner muddle that I was in. I was feeling like there was no inspiration within myself, it’s a phase of complete quietness, complete observance, complete submission to the unwanted places that I was in. I wake up every day it’s the same routine, same thing happening in my day on, and on and on… In complete submission to that, it became my comfort zone. It’s almost like I’m scared to do anything outside of it. I’m too comfortable and I know if I’m too comfortable I won’t find inspiration anymore in whatever I’m in. From all the muddle that I was in inside me, I didn’t want anything else inside me. I stopped eating as much, if anyone would give me an order I would get angry because I simply don’t want any type of input to me because I have enough stuff I have to deal with inside me. And when you don’t put anything in the input, what happens? You lose energy, lose inspiration.  It’s time to wake up, shake things up a bit, and learn from what happened to me. Take risks, get out of your comfort zone even if you don’t know where you’re going. As long as you love yourself, prioritise yourself, have trust in yourself, because it will  reflect outward. I need to breathe and focus in myself, tune my focus inside me… What do I really feel? What do I do? Is my body in a good healthy condition? (Because that reflects the mind) I want to live life fully, consciously, healthily. And it’s okay if I had a time where I was living complete opposite to that, it’s all about making the most of your experiences, the darkest ones, and the brightest ones because they all compliment each other. I’m sorry me… I want to say sorry to myself for neglecting myself like that.. I’m sorry.

Reminder: Sign Petition

Sign: http://www.change.org/petitions/seaworld-inc-humanely-release-the-orca-whale-known-as-tilikum-to-a-seapen-for-rehab

Our message is simple: keeping a 12,000+ pound Orca whale in a pool, (that is less than a fraction of 1% of his natural habitat,) is simply illogical. To use a living, breathing, self-aware and extremely intelligent sentient being as a sperm bank in a forced captive breeding program, and as a part-time splash-machine for the enjoyment of the paying public is, considered by many, simply appalling. In captivity, Orcas cannot use their echolocation, as the sound waves will actually bounce off the tank’s concrete sides and literally deafen the animal. (In some cases the animal has literally gone insane). Tanks are sanitized with chlorine, copper sulfate, and other harsh chemicals that irritate the dolphins and whales’ eyes, causing many to swim with their eyes closed. In the wild, male Orca whales can live to be 50-60+ and wild female Orcas have lived to be over 90. In captivity, most whales and dolphins do not live to adulthood, many die in their teens.

Source: http://www.freetillynow.org/

Thank you and please pass it on! ❤️

 

 

It’s okay to just sit there and not do anything, I think they’re daily moments of bliss to just lose track of time, and our duties. Most days, I don’t know what day of the month or week it is. Some people call it unorganised. Some people tell me I should get up and do something. But you don’t always have to be doing something. Sometimes it’s just good to day dream, re-charge, think, and relax. It’s good to just be in the present moment, and not think about what happened yesterday or plan what’s going to happen tomorrow.

 

 

In the past month, since my birthday, I’ve experienced the deepest, most contrasting emotions of my life. I experienced real friendship, love in its purest form, heart ache, helplessness, unity, gain, loss, being forgiven, forgiving, empathy, companionship, guilt, honesty, obsession, feeling trapped in my body and thoughts, eating so much, not eating at all, shock, pain, I felt like I didn’t want to be any more, fragile, ecstatic, smiling so much my face hurts, laughing so much my abs hurt, breathless because I was crying so much, heart beating so hard I feel it in every cell of my body, wanting to be a mother, loneliness, strength, weakness, feeling controlled, being turned on, off, pure freedom, loved, adored, shaken… Just everything, and I can’t even put them all into words.

Yet, nothing major in my life happened, I’m still living in the same way and talking to the same people. I just feel so much, and I’ve never been that sensitive before in my life. I feel like I’m so opened up to the world, I’m feeling everything. As much as I like it, and feel emotionally free because I’m sensing everything, I also feel vulnerable because I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t know what to expect, but I shouldn’t expect anything, because everything’s possible. And when you expect something, you are actually more vulnerable since you might not get it. It feels so comfortable to just live and feel.

 

This post is a little randomly put together and I don’t know if it makes sense or not, but feelings/thoughts don’t have to make sense…

When the closest people to me hurt me or upset me, I sometimes tell myself, “why do people have to be like that?!”. It’s because you see them as your place of comfort in the world, and that often happens with my parents, since I know that I come from them and I trust them so much and when they hurt me, it can be extra painful. I end up picturing humankind to be the same, because if they are like that, then what would strangers be like? It’s just generalising humans. You can’t forget that you are your own place of comfort – because when there’s love inside you, that’s what you’ll see in humans, and the world around you. When there’s fear inside you, that’s what you’ll see in humans and the world around you.

People who are close to you can easily manipulate your emotions because you are so psychologically opened up to them by choice. Happiness is a choice at every moment, it’s self-controlled, and because you choose to be opened up to these people, they can so easily make you feel happy.

If a stranger told you “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened in my life”, you’re most likely not to care, because you’re not close to that person, you don’t love that person, so you’re not receiving what they say because you’re not opened up to them, there’s a mental block. Whereas, if someone close to you said that, it will obviously have an impact on the way you feel, it it reaches your heart so easily.

It’s the same concept when you see a picture of your favourite animal looking happy, it can bring a smile to your face effortlessly and make you happy because you love that animal. As easy as just looking at a picture, you automatically feel happy.

When I open up to people because I love them, I experience all realms of emotions with them, positive and negative. When I experience that with them, it inevitably makes our bond stronger, it makes me discover emotions I didn’t know I could have because I’m so opened up to them. When these people hurt me, it almost shocks me because of that contrast between the good moments, that make up the greatest moments of my life, and the not-so-good moments. It’s like when you have something and it’s taken away from you, that’s worse than when you don’t have it at all. One day, that person can make you feel like you’re not grounded on Earth any more, instead of gravity carrying you, they are. Another day, they can make you cry so much, to the point where you can’t breathe.

Whatever they make me feel, I don’t label as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. I love and enjoy our good moments, and dislike feeling hurt because of them, but that’s not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing. As I posted before, I don’t label my emotions like that because they all help to complement each other, and I’m grateful for what I feel and experience because it opens up my mind and heart more.

 

I Don’t Label My Emotions

sesameIsn’t it logical to label happiness as ‘good’ and sadness as ‘bad’? That is overly-simplified. Emotions are not black or white, there are many shades of grey in between. I appreciate my times of sadness, because how can I know the true taste of happiness if I haven’t experienced sadness? How would I know what it feels like to be secure, without experiencing vulnerability? How can I appreciate knowledge without experiencing ignorance?

As cheesy as it sounds, the day allows you to appreciate the night, the summer allows you to appreciate the winter, and the moon allows you to appreciate the sun – contrasts are made so you can appreciate. That’s why the positive and negative cells of a magnet attract, they all help to complement each other.

Therefore, I don’t like to label my emotions as good or bad, because they all complement each other and help to build up a bigger picture of a stronger version of me. They help me to further discover myself more and the more emotions I experience, the more knowledgeable I become.