You Just Need To Let Go

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I’ve been trying to let go of that urge to control things. Sometimes I just love things being in my hand and me in control of what’s going on. My hands just grasp on it for my sanity. But I need to let go. I need to let go and accept that whatever will be, will be. There’s been a long time when that feeling of control wasn’t really there or wasn’t so intense. I was in a healthier frame of mind. But now with all sorts of things becoming quite unknown to me and overwhelming to me, there’s this need to control as much of my current life as I can and to hold on tight because of a vulnerability of mine. I need to realise that whatever will be will be, loosen up my fingers and just let go. The worst thing that could happen is perhaps the best thing that could happen, because it’s meant to be. Things should happen freely and flowingly, rather than forced and controlled.

It’s okay if you let go. It’s okay. You don’t own anything, remember that. You are actually not in possession of anything, life doesn’t owe you anything, you’re not supposed to own ‘this or that’. Because you just don’t.

My fear holding me back from letting go requires me to waste my energy and hold onto something with all my power and strength so it allegedly doesn’t disappear from my life. Impossible. It’s a waste of my energy, when we can just let go, let it all be free, and rather than hold onto something, just flow like a feather so light and free in the air. It’s like holding onto the bar of a helicopter and finally letting go so you’re alone just supported by the air. Let it take you. Let it take you away and just let go. Breathe, finally breathe.

Learn to love the journey and enjoy every moment of it without holding onto anything.

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My soul mate..

Whenever I post something on my blog, particularly about my feelings, I always like to end it with a note of hope or a solution because I really want to try my best to uplift other people. But right now I feel almost declining rather than uprising in my hope with what I’m feeling.. Or actually as I write this I might be inspired to get a solution to what I am going through. But the most important thing however, is that right now I am sure other people are going through the same emotions, so even though I may be expressing my feelings rather than offering words of wisdom, we are all in this together and we can all virtually hug each other.

I feel like I don’t know what love is anymore or heartbreak anymore. I have no idea if someone tells me they are going to be with me forever, if that is really true or not. If one day, everything just flips over so out of routine. If everyday, no matter what happens, he always says I love you before going to bed. But this time, he didn’t. If everyday you feel like his girl, but now you feel like a stranger. How one day I was sure of this more than anything, I would get in the way of doing anything just to listen to his voice. I could go through anything for him. And people would be surpised like ‘oh, you would do that? For a guy?’ And I’d look at them with such confusion like what world do you live in? Of course I would, he’s my one and only, he’s my soul mate. Wouldn’t you do that, go through anything for the person you love? Do we live in such a stiff world? Robotic? Rather than running through the jungle, having cuts and bruises in your skin, escaping a pack of lions, all sweaty.. But you just keep going, climbing up the mountains, escaping a volcano, you carry on running and running with love powering you through it, jump down the hill just to meet your love. And it’s that moment when you’re just there together that erases everything that you’ve been through, it was all nothing, absolutely nothing. It’s that special moment where everything stops. You feel like you’re not on Earth anymore, but up the sky, in another universe. Everyday, no matter what we go through, is like this. You always promised me with a family, to live with me eternally. And I would always think everything’s okay, the contract of love is already signed. This is it, this is my one and only, my life is complete. Anything that happens, it’s okay. I have my love, so why worry about anything? What is there to really worry about, how bad can anything be? I would walk like I’m floating on clouds, smiling like I’ve never smiled before, opened to a degree I’ve never been before. Just opened to the world. My smile entered the world inside me, I had it all inside me. It’s like I felt like a queen, and he is my king. We own everything, we go through everything. So strong so powerful together.

Years on, and it feels like a war zone. I was so high up in the sky but right now I feel like I’m so beat up on the ground. And I can’t get up. I feel so weak. I feel like now it’s just me. My body is aching, but I look around me and you’re not there.. I feel like all I want to do is sleep. Just to not feel anything. Just to not feel my heart hurting or my tears exploding. This is a time where I feel so weak. I keep thinking to myself.. Maybe because I’m going through so much, maybe because I’m just moody, whatever.. But whatever the excuse is, it wasn’t what I was going through before. There’s nothing, there’s absolutely nothing. But yet you tell me to end it there so cheaply, so easily, like it’s a playful toy. Twice so far I felt like that was it. It’s going to end. And right now, I don’t know what it is, I don’t know what I’m feeling, I wish I had a mental book of guidance to guide me but I don’t. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what he wants. But not telling me I love you before you go to sleep means a lot to me. Indicates something to me, so I’m leaving you alone until you make up your mind. This is my first love, and my only love. I always thought that even if it didn’t workout, I would live alone single for the rest of my life. Because it’s either I’m with the person I love, or with no one. I want absolutely no one. Sometimes I think.. Am I meant to even be with someone? I’m a complete head ache, a complete crazy person.. How could anyone take me? I’m like the most loving caring person, I can give you everything, I can give you my life. But maybe I’m also an obsessive control freak.. I don’t know. I don’t know if anyone can take it. I don’t knoww what this is. I don’t know what love is. I don’t know what a soul mate is. I always knew he was my soul mate because it felt like we’ve known each other before we were born, and we feel each other excessively well. Every emotion that comes out of us, we feel it and we share it. It’s sometimes hard being so close to feel everything together. But why is this happening now? Why now? Before, ‘ending’ it was a red line, it wouldn’t even be mentioned. But now it’s a solution? Now you’re telling me you’re not the right person for me, and telling me to go ahead and end it.. Is it because you’re scared to do it? Does that mean you had enough? What is this? Why is this so painful so much torture and why am I so stubborn why do I love you so much. Again, I’m thinking.. I should be alone for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like I just don’t trust men. I just don’t, and that’s my problem. I don’t know what I want. All I wish for right now, is for things to be less painful so I can get on with my life. I want my heart to heal. I want to get up off the ground. My head hurts. But at the end, it’s really your choice.

I realised how weak I am. The people around me always label me as a strong person. I guess it’s because I grow out of things so quickly, I enter them hard, until I collapse, and leave them. Done. But with love, I don’t know what I’m dealing with. All my life, I’ve had guys coming to me. But I never really wanted any. I didn’t really care. Sometimes in the darkest of days, I wish a guy could just hold my hand and tell me that I’m purely beautiful rather than sexy. Just so pure so innocent. I wanted to know that real love exists. Even though I sometimes wanted a relationship, I never actively pursued it. I always thought I’ll wait until the time comes, because I want real love. I want real emotions. I want real passion. I wanted a really genuine person that would be with me forever. So that area of my life was ‘paused’ like on a DVD player. I was always so by myself, I don’t really have a big family here, I don’t have siblings, and I don’t have any true friends – they would always do something behind my back. So really, I felt alone. There’s difference between being alone and feeling alone. Feeling alone is when you feel like you’re isolated and no one is really there for you. So I was going through the darkest of days, with absolutely no body, I was just so vulnerable at that time in my life. Eventually, I grew out of it, after those years, things started to change. I started praying that my life would change, that I can change, I wanted light in my life. I started improving, bit by bit, picking up myself from the floor, gaining strength, improving myself and my health. I’m so thankful for that. I never knew I would get out, I thought my life would be like that forever, but I did. I really learned that you can get out of anything, no matter what it is, no matter how dark it may be. Because you are a human, inside you full of energy and potential. Inside you, there’s everything.. There’s a whole universe, and if you start to look for positivity, that is what you will attract. So my life really started improving, and right at that time, I found my soul mate, my first love. And I was mind-blown, even though we’re so far away, it seems like we’re so close. It seems like we came out of each other. Like we’re the same person. And I thought to myself, this is what I’ve been waiting for all along. It’s meant to be. I felt like a whole new different person, now connected to the most amazing man. My Prince Charming. Everything about him so perfectly crafted and tailored, as if he wasn’t a real person. He seemed so youthful and energetic, I always imagined him running to get what he wanted, running across the football pitch to score a goal, to get what he wanted, so high and tall. To score for me. He started telling me he wanted to have a family with me.. To my surprise and unexpectedness, I questioned myself if a guy that age really wanted that, and a guy so perfect, really wanted it with me? I kept thinking that I’m so blessed to have that, it almost didn’t absorb into me at first because I was so shocked. I couldn’t sleep because of the hyperness, all I think about is him. We did anything to talk to each other, to get to each other. I felt so special and I felt stronger than ever in my life. I felt like I wasn’t alone, but there is someone who is meant to be with me, who’s there for me, who cares for me, out of pure emotion and nothing else. There was something so exotic about it, so mysterious, yet, so real and so genuine and pure. I loved it, they were some of the best days of my life. I always say that every day with him is the best day of my life. But everything was just going so smooth, my life at school, my health, my spirituality, and wellbeing were at their best. I felt so strong. Of course, as time passes, we have our ups and downs, but that’s okay. We always ended it swiftly, by understanding each other, because we were together, not against each other. Every little thing he does can make me jump up and smile and squeak in hyperness, but can also hurt me so much and make me cry hard. But now I’m reflecting with myself.. Was all that real? Why is it when we clash now, we’re going against each other, rather than with each other? And so cheaply the words ‘end it now’ comes out, after everything we’ve been through.. Because I’m feeling so weak now and so beat up, was my strength built upon something breakable? It never even crossed my mind that it was breakable, it was impossible. But now it seems easy. I never knew. What is love? I also feel like other emotions that I don’t want are blended in.. Like ownership, like possession, insecurity.. Rather than being pure, clean love, that’s so pure that it’s almost not human, it became more human. More down to earth, polluted, rather than up in the sky..

I never give up on what I love, and I always have hope that things will change. Writing this, although I was crying, made me feel better and stronger at a time where I’m feeling weak. I always like to give a possible solution, or words of hope at the end to those who read my posts, but I am sure someone else is going through this and we are all here together. This is my first love, so I really don’t know what’s going on most of the time, but I try to trust my instincts. It is hard, especially that I am so emotionally connected to him, but it makes me realise that I have to be more strong and independent. Because I believe that no woman should be taken back because of anything, because of any insecurity. No woman should feel like she has to hold onto anybody, or anything, or stay in a relationship where she doesn’t want to be. Or give something that she doesn’t want to give. I feel like so many women bear with so much and just keep quiet. I see my mum, and I want to uplift her from where she is, she has to go. That is why I never want to be in that position, I never want to be married, with kids, and be in a relationship that I want to escape from. That’s why I do anything to protect myself from that. Sometimes to the point where it makes me go crazy.. But it’s not just for women, it’s for anybody. Usually in a long-term relationship, because it becomes part of your every-day life, and even identity, it can be hard to let go because it’s your comfort zone, because you’re used to it, because of fear. But it’s thinking about what you would gain rather than lose if your relationship is unsatisfactory, it could be scary, but you deserve to be happy. And sometimes the happiest people are the ones who let go, because you are a free human being.

Anyway, I am very present-time orientated, and I’m trying to take it bit by bit, one moment and a time, and being patient for what to come. I feel better after writing this and I am so thankful to have this platform to share my emotions. ❤️ I love you.

Openness…

Am I the only person who thinks its not weird to go up to a random person and say ‘hi, I’m going through this and that in my life’? If that was the case, the other person may think you’re weird, you’re random, or they need to get away from you because that’s just not ‘normal’. It’s okay to ask someone for the time, directions, but it’s not normal to go up to someone and say ‘hey.. Have you ever felt like this?’. It’s like a taboo subject. I get surprised whenever people tell me ‘you must really trust me to say this to me’ or ‘Lugine you don’t share things like that with people’, it’s not normal. I feel estranged because I don’t own my experiences, but they’re there to be  shared and be opened about. Because inside of us we are all going through the same thing. We’re all vulnerable. We all need to open up with each other, hug each other, and share. There is some kind of distance between me and the words that I say. When I say something, I’m not ‘saying something so personal to myself’ even though people view it as personal, but I see a distance between the words I say and the very me. I sometimes have this openedness that some people oppose, people think I’m weird. By time I learnt so ‘socialise’ myself in what to say and share with people. But I actually don’t like that. I want to walk with no weight upon myself, I want to walk like an opened heart, feeling and sharing everything. Walking emotionally bare. There is no taboo subject to me, there is nothing that you can say to me that’s ‘weird’ because I know that it’s inside us all.

I guess that’s why people always approach me for things, for help, random people on the street talk to me, pick me to talk to, rather than anybody else due to emitting that openedness because people feel it. People feel that you’re opened to them. Why do people generally find it hard to be emotional or to cry in public? To be opened to the world? To not feel awkward to show their very emotion? Why do some people feel uncomfortable when conversations get too deep, too emotional and hard to grasp? Why are people walking like a rigid, rational, machine rather than a flowy, soft, opened to feel human being? I wish the world was like that.. That anyone can just walk up to anyone and say ‘I’m going through this’ and they both hug each other and other says ‘I’m going through this too’. Love.

I’m sorry I haven’t been posting as much. This period that I’m in has been slightly unusual for me. I’ve been so far away from my self, so caught up with things that are not myself that I grew distant from the very inner me. I’ve been quiet on my blog simply because I didn’t have anything to share. So lost, so confused, feeling a multitude of things that I couldn’t even begin to express. I had no words to describe the inner muddle that I was in. I was feeling like there was no inspiration within myself, it’s a phase of complete quietness, complete observance, complete submission to the unwanted places that I was in. I wake up every day it’s the same routine, same thing happening in my day on, and on and on… In complete submission to that, it became my comfort zone. It’s almost like I’m scared to do anything outside of it. I’m too comfortable and I know if I’m too comfortable I won’t find inspiration anymore in whatever I’m in. From all the muddle that I was in inside me, I didn’t want anything else inside me. I stopped eating as much, if anyone would give me an order I would get angry because I simply don’t want any type of input to me because I have enough stuff I have to deal with inside me. And when you don’t put anything in the input, what happens? You lose energy, lose inspiration.  It’s time to wake up, shake things up a bit, and learn from what happened to me. Take risks, get out of your comfort zone even if you don’t know where you’re going. As long as you love yourself, prioritise yourself, have trust in yourself, because it will  reflect outward. I need to breathe and focus in myself, tune my focus inside me… What do I really feel? What do I do? Is my body in a good healthy condition? (Because that reflects the mind) I want to live life fully, consciously, healthily. And it’s okay if I had a time where I was living complete opposite to that, it’s all about making the most of your experiences, the darkest ones, and the brightest ones because they all compliment each other. I’m sorry me… I want to say sorry to myself for neglecting myself like that.. I’m sorry.

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When I’m sad, my cat Simba always gives me warmth, makes me smile and loves me unconditionally. It is with nature I find purity, sensitivity and love which gives me goosebumps and brings tears to my eyes. I want to have all the animals in the world I want see them, touch them, and feel them, that’s where I want to live. In between a pack of lions ❤️ I want to run with elephants, roll around with gorillas, swim with the great whale, that’s where I belong… ❤️

I feel like I’m not fully expressing myself. I feel so distant from myself, from my emotions, clouded by illusionary thoughts, clouded by an image that is not me. I need to set free. I feel overwhelmed, tears come out of my eyes so smoothly making way to anything. I’m so fragile so in need. In need of myself since I’m not providing for me. I keep letting everything go, letting myself go, losing myself. I hate it.

My Life Felt like TV…

DSC_0197It just feels so weird when all of a sudden, your life feels like a drama, a movie, a TV series. To the extent where you don’t even know what to feel or what to think any more, because you’ve never experienced such things, you only see them on TV to potentially attract audience. So people watch it and get amused, but when it happens to you, it hits you. You start to think of it like a chess game. What move should I make and what are the consequences of it? To put myself in everybody else’s shoes and think what’s the best decision for all of us. To fully think with the mind of that person. And to think that you have the power to change it all, to turn everything upside down, to experience the tough consequences, but it should all add up to form a bigger picture, in the long term, to something positive and meaningful. But thinking in the short term, makes it dominate your mind and lets nervousness run through you. Feeling vulnerable. Feeling hurt. But feeling powerful, because it’s in my hands. I try to take a mental break from it, but even when I sleep, I’m dreaming it. I don’t know what to do. I decide to wait a bit and see what fate brings, but look at every moment that passes with doubt, wondering if I should have done something.

This is how I felt a while ago, now things are cooler, and not as heated up. And what happened at the end was okay, but I know that it’s not the end. It’s like a roller coaster going up and down, but now I have a better, clearer picture of what to do when it shoots up again.