I feel like I’m not fully expressing myself. I feel so distant from myself, from my emotions, clouded by illusionary thoughts, clouded by an image that is not me. I need to set free. I feel overwhelmed, tears come out of my eyes so smoothly making way to anything. I’m so fragile so in need. In need of myself since I’m not providing for me. I keep letting everything go, letting myself go, losing myself. I hate it.
I’ve been empathising and feeling people so much, to the point where I feel that I’m them and it shocks me to feel what they feel. It scares me. My heart feels like it doesn’t belong to me, because it’s filled with the emotions of others, until I wake myself up, and find me, to relocate myself back to me. It opened up my eyes more to what I really want in my life, and not to do what they did. I do it too much. I feel overwhelmed. I love feeling, because to me, they are my experiences. The more I feel, the more I experience. Therefore, I always try to understand others, and feel what they feel. I love it. But recently, I’ve been doing it too much, to the people who are closest to me, to the extent where I’m physically shaking and feel like I have no energy. I prayed, asking God to fill my heart with his love. I felt much better. I don’t know how much is too much. I don’t know if I should continue or stop myself. I feel like it’s a duty that I have. I empathise with everyone, the ‘good’ and ‘bad’, I guess it’s because I have a natural care for people, or that I’m opened to people. There’s no right way or wrong way to do anything. I believe sharing ideas, emotions, and thoughts is the way to being closer together. It’s common ground, rather than distancing ourselves from each other through the increasing barriers between us, when from inside, we all really are the same.
It just feels so weird when all of a sudden, your life feels like a drama, a movie, a TV series. To the extent where you don’t even know what to feel or what to think any more, because you’ve never experienced such things, you only see them on TV to potentially attract audience. So people watch it and get amused, but when it happens to you, it hits you. You start to think of it like a chess game. What move should I make and what are the consequences of it? To put myself in everybody else’s shoes and think what’s the best decision for all of us. To fully think with the mind of that person. And to think that you have the power to change it all, to turn everything upside down, to experience the tough consequences, but it should all add up to form a bigger picture, in the long term, to something positive and meaningful. But thinking in the short term, makes it dominate your mind and lets nervousness run through you. Feeling vulnerable. Feeling hurt. But feeling powerful, because it’s in my hands. I try to take a mental break from it, but even when I sleep, I’m dreaming it. I don’t know what to do. I decide to wait a bit and see what fate brings, but look at every moment that passes with doubt, wondering if I should have done something.
This is how I felt a while ago, now things are cooler, and not as heated up. And what happened at the end was okay, but I know that it’s not the end. It’s like a roller coaster going up and down, but now I have a better, clearer picture of what to do when it shoots up again.
Isn’t it logical to label happiness as ‘good’ and sadness as ‘bad’? That is overly-simplified. Emotions are not black or white, there are many shades of grey in between. I appreciate my times of sadness, because how can I know the true taste of happiness if I haven’t experienced sadness? How would I know what it feels like to be secure, without experiencing vulnerability? How can I appreciate knowledge without experiencing ignorance?
As cheesy as it sounds, the day allows you to appreciate the night, the summer allows you to appreciate the winter, and the moon allows you to appreciate the sun – contrasts are made so you can appreciate. That’s why the positive and negative cells of a magnet attract, they all help to complement each other.
Therefore, I don’t like to label my emotions as good or bad, because they all complement each other and help to build up a bigger picture of a stronger version of me. They help me to further discover myself more and the more emotions I experience, the more knowledgeable I become.
My thoughts change everyday, the way I think changes everyday. I’m crazy – I contradict myself, prove myself right or wrong. I absorb what people say, assess it, and see if it brings me different views. I may be stubborn, but not with the way I think. Thoughts flow in my head about anything and everything. I’m stubborn with what I want to get in life. If someone says “no, you can’t do that”, I have to find another way to do it. For example, in my mock/trial exams at school, I didn’t want to study for them (not promoting that in anyway), and as a result, I didn’t get the best grades, but I didn’t care because I knew what I was doing. My teacher told me that I need to attend booster classes (which I didn’t go to), because I got a D in a certain subject and if I didn’t, I would fail in my real exam because I’m not prepared to work and that I have a bad attitude. But I didn’t care, because I have my ways and I knew what I was doing. In my real exam, I got an A*, because when I want something, I’ll do anything to get it. At the end of the day, I didn’t care what the teacher said or thought about me – but I liked the fact that I proved her wrong in an unexpected way.
In contrast, I feel like it’s wrong to be stubborn with the way you think – how are you meant to empathise? Forgive? Agree? Disagree? Understand? Especially with all the misunderstandings in the world, whether it’s between two people or two countries, you need to open up your mind for a different view. For example, murder is wrong, but when you put yourself in the murderer’s shoes, you are able to understand (not justify) why people do such things, it’s all about exercising the way you think. The less we are stubborn with the way we think, the more we understand one another and the more we are filled with kindness that isn’t distorted by differences, prejudices, events, memories, etc.