You Just Need To Let Go

Pic18

I’ve been trying to let go of that urge to control things. Sometimes I just love things being in my hand and me in control of what’s going on. My hands just grasp on it for my sanity. But I need to let go. I need to let go and accept that whatever will be, will be. There’s been a long time when that feeling of control wasn’t really there or wasn’t so intense. I was in a healthier frame of mind. But now with all sorts of things becoming quite unknown to me and overwhelming to me, there’s this need to control as much of my current life as I can and to hold on tight because of a vulnerability of mine. I need to realise that whatever will be will be, loosen up my fingers and just let go. The worst thing that could happen is perhaps the best thing that could happen, because it’s meant to be. Things should happen freely and flowingly, rather than forced and controlled.

It’s okay if you let go. It’s okay. You don’t own anything, remember that. You are actually not in possession of anything, life doesn’t owe you anything, you’re not supposed to own ‘this or that’. Because you just don’t.

My fear holding me back from letting go requires me to waste my energy and hold onto something with all my power and strength so it allegedly doesn’t disappear from my life. Impossible. It’s a waste of my energy, when we can just let go, let it all be free, and rather than hold onto something, just flow like a feather so light and free in the air. It’s like holding onto the bar of a helicopter and finally letting go so you’re alone just supported by the air. Let it take you. Let it take you away and just let go. Breathe, finally breathe.

Learn to love the journey and enjoy every moment of it without holding onto anything.

I find myself lost. I don’t know who I am. What I stand for. Just lost in emotions. Where am I? I find myself being 12 again. The age of 12 when I faced so many major changes in my life, confused about my identity, asking who am I, where am I, why am I created. A time of complete confusion. A time where I felt lonely, a time where I felt like I needed so much, I needed freedom. Physical and spiritual freedom. I had no confidence. Constrained within myself. I didn’t feel beautiful. Nothing made me feel beautiful. I used to wish someone told me I was truly beautiful. I used to wish a boy could hold me, touch me, just out of pure love and emotion. I used to wish someone can look into my eyes and uplift me, lift me up so so high that I wouldn’t feel a thing. My face showed absolutely no sign of what I was suffering from inside. I wanted to be held, I wanted to feel safe. I wanted someone to wrap around me, protect me. I was so lonely. Gradually during my teenage years, I developed and became a whole new person, each day, just reflecting and growing, mentally and emotionally. I went to all different directions, tried them, experienced them, and picked where I want to be. I got incredible confidence, from simply reducing myself down to my soul, emitting pure love, a pure smile to everything around me. I got to a point where I felt genuine happiness in my life. And through all I’ve been through, I’ve genuinely realised how purely blessed I am, what I want in life, to live a life full of growth, love, and pure embracing of my emotions, good and bad, because they’re all experiences and they’re a blessing for me. That’s how I continued and I know that’s how I want to continue, just living genuinely with love. But how do I feel right now? I feel like I’m back to 12 or my early teenage years. I feel like I want so much, I want so much love, I want to be wrapped and protected. I feel scared. I don’t feel like I’m beautiful. I created this blog originally to share my emotions, and positivity on body image and self-acceptance. How ironic I find myself 3 years later wanting that self acceptance all over again. It’s not as intense as when I was younger, but I really feel like I’m not good enough.. I’m not beautiful enough.. I’m not complete.. I’m crying as I write this.. I don’t know who I am I don’t know what I want.. I feel confused.. I feel like I am nothing.. I want to cry cry cry all my emotions out.. It’s overwhelming.. But this is just growth…

Why do all women look like each other?!

Madison Stubbington for Gucci, a twist to the typical ‘trendy’ make-up…

Social media, trends, whatever, are all portraying the typical woman with big lashes, chiselled cheekbones, a defined jawline, a thin contoured nose, bronzed, flawless skin, big full lips that this ‘particular’ celebrity induced, etc… Contouring with make-up has been like an order ‘this is how you do it, this is how you should look like’ and there’s nothing wrong with that, if you’re comfortable with yourself looking like that, that’s fine. But it’s about finding what works best for you, not for the mass. I was doing my friend’s make-up the other day and what stood up for me was when she said ‘you didn’t try to change my facial features’. I myself love big lashes, bronzer, but I feel uncomfortable when I follow these trends, why do I want to be like the rest for? I started researching Korean, Japanese, Parisian, African trends, etc. for a possibly different twist on the typical picture in social media. The best advice I would give to anyone is to spend time in front of the mirror, experiment, and be creative with what works best for you. Do more leading than following, find your own style. Study yourself. What ever is on trend, try doing the opposite, try to invert the traditional methods of how things are done. Find out how to contour your own face shape, your own eye shape, through trial and error, pick what makes you feel comfortable in your own eyes. Who says you can’t wear a strong, bright lip with a strong eye?! Same thing for how you dress, your hair, your body, study yourself and be comfortable in yourself, there’s no feature that you have to hide for the eyes of society, and there’s no feature that you have to show. It’s your own identity, not anyone else’s. I was walking by a jewellery store the other day and I was happy to see model Madison Stubbington for Gucci without heavy contouring, eye lashes, big overdrawn lips, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s taking a different direction to the ‘norm’. Smile, you’re a beautiful soul (and spend time with yourself in the mirror)! ♥ ;D

 

In the past month, since my birthday, I’ve experienced the deepest, most contrasting emotions of my life. I experienced real friendship, love in its purest form, heart ache, helplessness, unity, gain, loss, being forgiven, forgiving, empathy, companionship, guilt, honesty, obsession, feeling trapped in my body and thoughts, eating so much, not eating at all, shock, pain, I felt like I didn’t want to be any more, fragile, ecstatic, smiling so much my face hurts, laughing so much my abs hurt, breathless because I was crying so much, heart beating so hard I feel it in every cell of my body, wanting to be a mother, loneliness, strength, weakness, feeling controlled, being turned on, off, pure freedom, loved, adored, shaken… Just everything, and I can’t even put them all into words.

Yet, nothing major in my life happened, I’m still living in the same way and talking to the same people. I just feel so much, and I’ve never been that sensitive before in my life. I feel like I’m so opened up to the world, I’m feeling everything. As much as I like it, and feel emotionally free because I’m sensing everything, I also feel vulnerable because I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t know what to expect, but I shouldn’t expect anything, because everything’s possible. And when you expect something, you are actually more vulnerable since you might not get it. It feels so comfortable to just live and feel.

 

This post is a little randomly put together and I don’t know if it makes sense or not, but feelings/thoughts don’t have to make sense…

When the closest people to me hurt me or upset me, I sometimes tell myself, “why do people have to be like that?!”. It’s because you see them as your place of comfort in the world, and that often happens with my parents, since I know that I come from them and I trust them so much and when they hurt me, it can be extra painful. I end up picturing humankind to be the same, because if they are like that, then what would strangers be like? It’s just generalising humans. You can’t forget that you are your own place of comfort – because when there’s love inside you, that’s what you’ll see in humans, and the world around you. When there’s fear inside you, that’s what you’ll see in humans and the world around you.

People who are close to you can easily manipulate your emotions because you are so psychologically opened up to them by choice. Happiness is a choice at every moment, it’s self-controlled, and because you choose to be opened up to these people, they can so easily make you feel happy.

If a stranger told you “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened in my life”, you’re most likely not to care, because you’re not close to that person, you don’t love that person, so you’re not receiving what they say because you’re not opened up to them, there’s a mental block. Whereas, if someone close to you said that, it will obviously have an impact on the way you feel, it it reaches your heart so easily.

It’s the same concept when you see a picture of your favourite animal looking happy, it can bring a smile to your face effortlessly and make you happy because you love that animal. As easy as just looking at a picture, you automatically feel happy.

When I open up to people because I love them, I experience all realms of emotions with them, positive and negative. When I experience that with them, it inevitably makes our bond stronger, it makes me discover emotions I didn’t know I could have because I’m so opened up to them. When these people hurt me, it almost shocks me because of that contrast between the good moments, that make up the greatest moments of my life, and the not-so-good moments. It’s like when you have something and it’s taken away from you, that’s worse than when you don’t have it at all. One day, that person can make you feel like you’re not grounded on Earth any more, instead of gravity carrying you, they are. Another day, they can make you cry so much, to the point where you can’t breathe.

Whatever they make me feel, I don’t label as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. I love and enjoy our good moments, and dislike feeling hurt because of them, but that’s not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing. As I posted before, I don’t label my emotions like that because they all help to complement each other, and I’m grateful for what I feel and experience because it opens up my mind and heart more.

 

I Don’t Label My Emotions

sesameIsn’t it logical to label happiness as ‘good’ and sadness as ‘bad’? That is overly-simplified. Emotions are not black or white, there are many shades of grey in between. I appreciate my times of sadness, because how can I know the true taste of happiness if I haven’t experienced sadness? How would I know what it feels like to be secure, without experiencing vulnerability? How can I appreciate knowledge without experiencing ignorance?

As cheesy as it sounds, the day allows you to appreciate the night, the summer allows you to appreciate the winter, and the moon allows you to appreciate the sun – contrasts are made so you can appreciate. That’s why the positive and negative cells of a magnet attract, they all help to complement each other.

Therefore, I don’t like to label my emotions as good or bad, because they all complement each other and help to build up a bigger picture of a stronger version of me. They help me to further discover myself more and the more emotions I experience, the more knowledgeable I become.

 

loveI’ve been brought up to think that I don’t need anyone for anything. Then, I meet someone and suddenly everything’s changed. I feel like I need that person, I can’t live without that person, I’m obsessed with that person. I’ve opened up for that person in every way, knowing I have a fear of getting too close to people because they might hurt me, but yet, I trust so much in that person.

I feel confused because I’ve always been somehow not in need of anyone, but now since I feel like I do, I’m starting to think of myself as weak or empty or in need of security. But then again, I feel like that person is a part of me, inside me, my other half, my completion, my true companion, my best friend… It’s like that person has seen me in my most vulnerable state, but that’s my natural state. Inside, we are all vulnerable.

“Bountiful is your life, full and complete. Or so you think, until someone comes along and makes you realize what you have been missing all this time. Like a mirror that reflects what is absent rather than present, he shows you the void in your soul – the void you have resisted seeing. That person can be a lover, a friend, or a spiritual master. Sometimes it can be a child to look after, what matters is to find the soul that will complete yours” – The Fourty Rules of Love by Elif Shafak (novel)

I think that the best way to find someone whom you have a special connection with is through time. As long as you are patient, God will reward you and give you what is best for you.

I don’t want to say that your happiness depends on another person, because you can choose to be happy in every moment of your life and at the end of the day, you are with yourself and can provide everything for yourself, but it’s so special when you view someone to be you – like you are one person, and you’re so comfortable together to just be, and that person can be anyone, even your pet?

 

 

 

Real Friends vs. Fake Friends

 

loveI’ve been hurt a lot by friends of all sorts and one day many years ago, I came home from school crying because I didn’t have any friends, because I didn’t find anyone who ‘thinks’ like me. I’m not saying that I was better than anyone else, or more mature, but being the only child, you naturally get more influenced by grown-ups. So when I’m in class, and start talking about the current economic climate or corrupt politicians (because I hear my parents talk about that stuff), other kids naturally run away… My mum told me ‘you are your own best friend’, and my dad told me ‘best friends don’t exist, because they come and go’.

I found that girls are the worst. They get jealous, they gossip behind your back, they want you to look/act a certain way, because somehow their image depends on that, they pretend to be your friend, but you’re actually secret enemies. Of course, that’s a massive stereotype, but I’ve always experienced those sorts of girls in my life.

I thought it would get better when I’m older, since we become more mature, and it does, depending on how you look at it. We all have different priorities, and again, massive stereotype but it’s what I’m currently experiencing: people my age tend to have priorities of being ‘social’, whether it’s having accounts of every single social media company that ever existed or going to parties, getting drunk, etc.

I’m not interested in that, because my soul is not going to benefit from that, but someone else might. I’m not saying I’m ‘right’ or ‘better’, but I’m saying that we’re all taking different paths. And hopefully, we’ll reach the same destination of self-discovery, and self-improvement, even if our methods or ways of living is completely different.

So, what is a real friend?

I define it as someone who uplifts you for no advantage or gain of their own. They do it because they simply love you, respect you, and trust you, which are three highly important things in any friendship or relationship.

But when it comes to friends, it’s totally quality rather than quantity. I feel like just one real, genuine friend, who truly loves you is equal to a million friends, and you would be very lucky to find a friend like that, so smile if you do (and smile if you don’t!)

At the end of the day, you have to learn to become your own best friend, as cheesy as it sounds. You will always have yourself, you sleep with yourself, you wake up with yourself, eat with yourself, and you’re inside yourself. So, make the most out of you, and make sure to have alone time, when you can just talk to yourself and self-reflect, it’s golden time. Funnily enough, the more you bond/connect with yourself, the more easier it will become to bond/connect with other people, since you’re more familiar with your needs and priorities in a friend. And when you can provide for yourself, you can definitely provide for others.

40 Rules of Love (Novel)

DSC_0084This is not a book review, it’s more of an expression of my love to this novel! The people who know me well are highly aware that I hardly read. I start reading a (fiction) book and my mind escapes into a universe of thoughts and I forget that I’m even reading a book, as my attention span disappears within seconds. Until, one day, my mum got me a novel and she stated that it had a very unique structure and that it has been translated into several languages, so I thought I’d give it a go, since I’m taking English at school, so I better start getting used to reading.

The truth is, I’d recommend this novel to people who love reading, but I’d recommend it even more to people who don’t!

It takes you to a magical place, where you seriously just can’t put it down. I can’t believe I just finished reading a book (massive achievement for me!)

Firstly, it teaches you to discover a deeper dimension of yourself and the people around you. It’s very spiritually charged, yet humble, that would appeal to everyone of any beliefs or backgrounds.

Secondly, it links modern times to ancient times, as it talks about events in history like the crusades, the Mongolian empire as well as exploring lands from an ancient perspective such as Turkey, Iraq, and Syria, which makes it so mysteriously and exotically beautiful. It ties religions and faiths together, as the author wanted closeness of traditions that we’re often encouraged to see as distant from each other.

Thirdly, every chapter is an insight of a character, so you get in their mind, whether it’s the star of the book, a killer, a prostitute, a beggar, and so much more. It’s like you get connected to people of all shades so powerfully. Yet, every single character is somehow spiritually inclined as time goes, so you grow with them.

Fourth, it talks about Rumi (a very popular Sufi poet) and the hardships he faced as he declined in the eyes of society as being a ‘respected scholar’ to a very spiritually humble individual, as he was inspired by the star of the book, Shams of Tabriz, who you will inevitably fall in love with! In fact, the title, ’40 Rules of Love’, was written by Shams, who was an enlightened man who enabled to change and inspire every single character in the book, no matter who they were.

Finally, the story is simply touching and it made me experience larger-than-life emotions while reading it, I must admit, it made me cry (not because it’s so sad, but because it’s so heart-touching). It made me laugh, smile, and think. In addition, every rule of love is something that you can tie to your own life, for me, it’s: While everyone in this world strives to get somewhere and become someone, only to leave it all behind after death, you aim for the supreme stage of nothingness. Live this life as light and empty as the number zero. We are no different from a pot. It is not the decorations outside but the emptiness inside that holds us straight. Just like that, it is not what we aspire to achieve but the consciousness of nothingness that keeps us going – (Rule 33). It inspires me to leave my false ego alone, and to connect more with my true self, not my image. Hence, this website is called ‘Our Beautiful Souls’ as it’s meant to encourage people to focus more on their mysterious and beautiful souls, rather than their outer appearance. This is absolutely relevant to this age today, as a lot of things, such as music, for example, depend on image rather than quality.

To conclude, you have homework, get this book today!