You Just Need To Let Go

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I’ve been trying to let go of that urge to control things. Sometimes I just love things being in my hand and me in control of what’s going on. My hands just grasp on it for my sanity. But I need to let go. I need to let go and accept that whatever will be, will be. There’s been a long time when that feeling of control wasn’t really there or wasn’t so intense. I was in a healthier frame of mind. But now with all sorts of things becoming quite unknown to me and overwhelming to me, there’s this need to control as much of my current life as I can and to hold on tight because of a vulnerability of mine. I need to realise that whatever will be will be, loosen up my fingers and just let go. The worst thing that could happen is perhaps the best thing that could happen, because it’s meant to be. Things should happen freely and flowingly, rather than forced and controlled.

It’s okay if you let go. It’s okay. You don’t own anything, remember that. You are actually not in possession of anything, life doesn’t owe you anything, you’re not supposed to own ‘this or that’. Because you just don’t.

My fear holding me back from letting go requires me to waste my energy and hold onto something with all my power and strength so it allegedly doesn’t disappear from my life. Impossible. It’s a waste of my energy, when we can just let go, let it all be free, and rather than hold onto something, just flow like a feather so light and free in the air. It’s like holding onto the bar of a helicopter and finally letting go so you’re alone just supported by the air. Let it take you. Let it take you away and just let go. Breathe, finally breathe.

Learn to love the journey and enjoy every moment of it without holding onto anything.

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My soul mate..

Whenever I post something on my blog, particularly about my feelings, I always like to end it with a note of hope or a solution because I really want to try my best to uplift other people. But right now I feel almost declining rather than uprising in my hope with what I’m feeling.. Or actually as I write this I might be inspired to get a solution to what I am going through. But the most important thing however, is that right now I am sure other people are going through the same emotions, so even though I may be expressing my feelings rather than offering words of wisdom, we are all in this together and we can all virtually hug each other.

I feel like I don’t know what love is anymore or heartbreak anymore. I have no idea if someone tells me they are going to be with me forever, if that is really true or not. If one day, everything just flips over so out of routine. If everyday, no matter what happens, he always says I love you before going to bed. But this time, he didn’t. If everyday you feel like his girl, but now you feel like a stranger. How one day I was sure of this more than anything, I would get in the way of doing anything just to listen to his voice. I could go through anything for him. And people would be surpised like ‘oh, you would do that? For a guy?’ And I’d look at them with such confusion like what world do you live in? Of course I would, he’s my one and only, he’s my soul mate. Wouldn’t you do that, go through anything for the person you love? Do we live in such a stiff world? Robotic? Rather than running through the jungle, having cuts and bruises in your skin, escaping a pack of lions, all sweaty.. But you just keep going, climbing up the mountains, escaping a volcano, you carry on running and running with love powering you through it, jump down the hill just to meet your love. And it’s that moment when you’re just there together that erases everything that you’ve been through, it was all nothing, absolutely nothing. It’s that special moment where everything stops. You feel like you’re not on Earth anymore, but up the sky, in another universe. Everyday, no matter what we go through, is like this. You always promised me with a family, to live with me eternally. And I would always think everything’s okay, the contract of love is already signed. This is it, this is my one and only, my life is complete. Anything that happens, it’s okay. I have my love, so why worry about anything? What is there to really worry about, how bad can anything be? I would walk like I’m floating on clouds, smiling like I’ve never smiled before, opened to a degree I’ve never been before. Just opened to the world. My smile entered the world inside me, I had it all inside me. It’s like I felt like a queen, and he is my king. We own everything, we go through everything. So strong so powerful together.

Years on, and it feels like a war zone. I was so high up in the sky but right now I feel like I’m so beat up on the ground. And I can’t get up. I feel so weak. I feel like now it’s just me. My body is aching, but I look around me and you’re not there.. I feel like all I want to do is sleep. Just to not feel anything. Just to not feel my heart hurting or my tears exploding. This is a time where I feel so weak. I keep thinking to myself.. Maybe because I’m going through so much, maybe because I’m just moody, whatever.. But whatever the excuse is, it wasn’t what I was going through before. There’s nothing, there’s absolutely nothing. But yet you tell me to end it there so cheaply, so easily, like it’s a playful toy. Twice so far I felt like that was it. It’s going to end. And right now, I don’t know what it is, I don’t know what I’m feeling, I wish I had a mental book of guidance to guide me but I don’t. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what he wants. But not telling me I love you before you go to sleep means a lot to me. Indicates something to me, so I’m leaving you alone until you make up your mind. This is my first love, and my only love. I always thought that even if it didn’t workout, I would live alone single for the rest of my life. Because it’s either I’m with the person I love, or with no one. I want absolutely no one. Sometimes I think.. Am I meant to even be with someone? I’m a complete head ache, a complete crazy person.. How could anyone take me? I’m like the most loving caring person, I can give you everything, I can give you my life. But maybe I’m also an obsessive control freak.. I don’t know. I don’t know if anyone can take it. I don’t knoww what this is. I don’t know what love is. I don’t know what a soul mate is. I always knew he was my soul mate because it felt like we’ve known each other before we were born, and we feel each other excessively well. Every emotion that comes out of us, we feel it and we share it. It’s sometimes hard being so close to feel everything together. But why is this happening now? Why now? Before, ‘ending’ it was a red line, it wouldn’t even be mentioned. But now it’s a solution? Now you’re telling me you’re not the right person for me, and telling me to go ahead and end it.. Is it because you’re scared to do it? Does that mean you had enough? What is this? Why is this so painful so much torture and why am I so stubborn why do I love you so much. Again, I’m thinking.. I should be alone for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like I just don’t trust men. I just don’t, and that’s my problem. I don’t know what I want. All I wish for right now, is for things to be less painful so I can get on with my life. I want my heart to heal. I want to get up off the ground. My head hurts. But at the end, it’s really your choice.

I realised how weak I am. The people around me always label me as a strong person. I guess it’s because I grow out of things so quickly, I enter them hard, until I collapse, and leave them. Done. But with love, I don’t know what I’m dealing with. All my life, I’ve had guys coming to me. But I never really wanted any. I didn’t really care. Sometimes in the darkest of days, I wish a guy could just hold my hand and tell me that I’m purely beautiful rather than sexy. Just so pure so innocent. I wanted to know that real love exists. Even though I sometimes wanted a relationship, I never actively pursued it. I always thought I’ll wait until the time comes, because I want real love. I want real emotions. I want real passion. I wanted a really genuine person that would be with me forever. So that area of my life was ‘paused’ like on a DVD player. I was always so by myself, I don’t really have a big family here, I don’t have siblings, and I don’t have any true friends – they would always do something behind my back. So really, I felt alone. There’s difference between being alone and feeling alone. Feeling alone is when you feel like you’re isolated and no one is really there for you. So I was going through the darkest of days, with absolutely no body, I was just so vulnerable at that time in my life. Eventually, I grew out of it, after those years, things started to change. I started praying that my life would change, that I can change, I wanted light in my life. I started improving, bit by bit, picking up myself from the floor, gaining strength, improving myself and my health. I’m so thankful for that. I never knew I would get out, I thought my life would be like that forever, but I did. I really learned that you can get out of anything, no matter what it is, no matter how dark it may be. Because you are a human, inside you full of energy and potential. Inside you, there’s everything.. There’s a whole universe, and if you start to look for positivity, that is what you will attract. So my life really started improving, and right at that time, I found my soul mate, my first love. And I was mind-blown, even though we’re so far away, it seems like we’re so close. It seems like we came out of each other. Like we’re the same person. And I thought to myself, this is what I’ve been waiting for all along. It’s meant to be. I felt like a whole new different person, now connected to the most amazing man. My Prince Charming. Everything about him so perfectly crafted and tailored, as if he wasn’t a real person. He seemed so youthful and energetic, I always imagined him running to get what he wanted, running across the football pitch to score a goal, to get what he wanted, so high and tall. To score for me. He started telling me he wanted to have a family with me.. To my surprise and unexpectedness, I questioned myself if a guy that age really wanted that, and a guy so perfect, really wanted it with me? I kept thinking that I’m so blessed to have that, it almost didn’t absorb into me at first because I was so shocked. I couldn’t sleep because of the hyperness, all I think about is him. We did anything to talk to each other, to get to each other. I felt so special and I felt stronger than ever in my life. I felt like I wasn’t alone, but there is someone who is meant to be with me, who’s there for me, who cares for me, out of pure emotion and nothing else. There was something so exotic about it, so mysterious, yet, so real and so genuine and pure. I loved it, they were some of the best days of my life. I always say that every day with him is the best day of my life. But everything was just going so smooth, my life at school, my health, my spirituality, and wellbeing were at their best. I felt so strong. Of course, as time passes, we have our ups and downs, but that’s okay. We always ended it swiftly, by understanding each other, because we were together, not against each other. Every little thing he does can make me jump up and smile and squeak in hyperness, but can also hurt me so much and make me cry hard. But now I’m reflecting with myself.. Was all that real? Why is it when we clash now, we’re going against each other, rather than with each other? And so cheaply the words ‘end it now’ comes out, after everything we’ve been through.. Because I’m feeling so weak now and so beat up, was my strength built upon something breakable? It never even crossed my mind that it was breakable, it was impossible. But now it seems easy. I never knew. What is love? I also feel like other emotions that I don’t want are blended in.. Like ownership, like possession, insecurity.. Rather than being pure, clean love, that’s so pure that it’s almost not human, it became more human. More down to earth, polluted, rather than up in the sky..

I never give up on what I love, and I always have hope that things will change. Writing this, although I was crying, made me feel better and stronger at a time where I’m feeling weak. I always like to give a possible solution, or words of hope at the end to those who read my posts, but I am sure someone else is going through this and we are all here together. This is my first love, so I really don’t know what’s going on most of the time, but I try to trust my instincts. It is hard, especially that I am so emotionally connected to him, but it makes me realise that I have to be more strong and independent. Because I believe that no woman should be taken back because of anything, because of any insecurity. No woman should feel like she has to hold onto anybody, or anything, or stay in a relationship where she doesn’t want to be. Or give something that she doesn’t want to give. I feel like so many women bear with so much and just keep quiet. I see my mum, and I want to uplift her from where she is, she has to go. That is why I never want to be in that position, I never want to be married, with kids, and be in a relationship that I want to escape from. That’s why I do anything to protect myself from that. Sometimes to the point where it makes me go crazy.. But it’s not just for women, it’s for anybody. Usually in a long-term relationship, because it becomes part of your every-day life, and even identity, it can be hard to let go because it’s your comfort zone, because you’re used to it, because of fear. But it’s thinking about what you would gain rather than lose if your relationship is unsatisfactory, it could be scary, but you deserve to be happy. And sometimes the happiest people are the ones who let go, because you are a free human being.

Anyway, I am very present-time orientated, and I’m trying to take it bit by bit, one moment and a time, and being patient for what to come. I feel better after writing this and I am so thankful to have this platform to share my emotions. ❤️ I love you.

I find myself lost. I don’t know who I am. What I stand for. Just lost in emotions. Where am I? I find myself being 12 again. The age of 12 when I faced so many major changes in my life, confused about my identity, asking who am I, where am I, why am I created. A time of complete confusion. A time where I felt lonely, a time where I felt like I needed so much, I needed freedom. Physical and spiritual freedom. I had no confidence. Constrained within myself. I didn’t feel beautiful. Nothing made me feel beautiful. I used to wish someone told me I was truly beautiful. I used to wish a boy could hold me, touch me, just out of pure love and emotion. I used to wish someone can look into my eyes and uplift me, lift me up so so high that I wouldn’t feel a thing. My face showed absolutely no sign of what I was suffering from inside. I wanted to be held, I wanted to feel safe. I wanted someone to wrap around me, protect me. I was so lonely. Gradually during my teenage years, I developed and became a whole new person, each day, just reflecting and growing, mentally and emotionally. I went to all different directions, tried them, experienced them, and picked where I want to be. I got incredible confidence, from simply reducing myself down to my soul, emitting pure love, a pure smile to everything around me. I got to a point where I felt genuine happiness in my life. And through all I’ve been through, I’ve genuinely realised how purely blessed I am, what I want in life, to live a life full of growth, love, and pure embracing of my emotions, good and bad, because they’re all experiences and they’re a blessing for me. That’s how I continued and I know that’s how I want to continue, just living genuinely with love. But how do I feel right now? I feel like I’m back to 12 or my early teenage years. I feel like I want so much, I want so much love, I want to be wrapped and protected. I feel scared. I don’t feel like I’m beautiful. I created this blog originally to share my emotions, and positivity on body image and self-acceptance. How ironic I find myself 3 years later wanting that self acceptance all over again. It’s not as intense as when I was younger, but I really feel like I’m not good enough.. I’m not beautiful enough.. I’m not complete.. I’m crying as I write this.. I don’t know who I am I don’t know what I want.. I feel confused.. I feel like I am nothing.. I want to cry cry cry all my emotions out.. It’s overwhelming.. But this is just growth…

Why do all women look like each other?!

Madison Stubbington for Gucci, a twist to the typical ‘trendy’ make-up…

Social media, trends, whatever, are all portraying the typical woman with big lashes, chiselled cheekbones, a defined jawline, a thin contoured nose, bronzed, flawless skin, big full lips that this ‘particular’ celebrity induced, etc… Contouring with make-up has been like an order ‘this is how you do it, this is how you should look like’ and there’s nothing wrong with that, if you’re comfortable with yourself looking like that, that’s fine. But it’s about finding what works best for you, not for the mass. I was doing my friend’s make-up the other day and what stood up for me was when she said ‘you didn’t try to change my facial features’. I myself love big lashes, bronzer, but I feel uncomfortable when I follow these trends, why do I want to be like the rest for? I started researching Korean, Japanese, Parisian, African trends, etc. for a possibly different twist on the typical picture in social media. The best advice I would give to anyone is to spend time in front of the mirror, experiment, and be creative with what works best for you. Do more leading than following, find your own style. Study yourself. What ever is on trend, try doing the opposite, try to invert the traditional methods of how things are done. Find out how to contour your own face shape, your own eye shape, through trial and error, pick what makes you feel comfortable in your own eyes. Who says you can’t wear a strong, bright lip with a strong eye?! Same thing for how you dress, your hair, your body, study yourself and be comfortable in yourself, there’s no feature that you have to hide for the eyes of society, and there’s no feature that you have to show. It’s your own identity, not anyone else’s. I was walking by a jewellery store the other day and I was happy to see model Madison Stubbington for Gucci without heavy contouring, eye lashes, big overdrawn lips, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s taking a different direction to the ‘norm’. Smile, you’re a beautiful soul (and spend time with yourself in the mirror)! ♥ ;D

 

In the past month, since my birthday, I’ve experienced the deepest, most contrasting emotions of my life. I experienced real friendship, love in its purest form, heart ache, helplessness, unity, gain, loss, being forgiven, forgiving, empathy, companionship, guilt, honesty, obsession, feeling trapped in my body and thoughts, eating so much, not eating at all, shock, pain, I felt like I didn’t want to be any more, fragile, ecstatic, smiling so much my face hurts, laughing so much my abs hurt, breathless because I was crying so much, heart beating so hard I feel it in every cell of my body, wanting to be a mother, loneliness, strength, weakness, feeling controlled, being turned on, off, pure freedom, loved, adored, shaken… Just everything, and I can’t even put them all into words.

Yet, nothing major in my life happened, I’m still living in the same way and talking to the same people. I just feel so much, and I’ve never been that sensitive before in my life. I feel like I’m so opened up to the world, I’m feeling everything. As much as I like it, and feel emotionally free because I’m sensing everything, I also feel vulnerable because I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t know what to expect, but I shouldn’t expect anything, because everything’s possible. And when you expect something, you are actually more vulnerable since you might not get it. It feels so comfortable to just live and feel.

 

This post is a little randomly put together and I don’t know if it makes sense or not, but feelings/thoughts don’t have to make sense…

When the closest people to me hurt me or upset me, I sometimes tell myself, “why do people have to be like that?!”. It’s because you see them as your place of comfort in the world, and that often happens with my parents, since I know that I come from them and I trust them so much and when they hurt me, it can be extra painful. I end up picturing humankind to be the same, because if they are like that, then what would strangers be like? It’s just generalising humans. You can’t forget that you are your own place of comfort – because when there’s love inside you, that’s what you’ll see in humans, and the world around you. When there’s fear inside you, that’s what you’ll see in humans and the world around you.

People who are close to you can easily manipulate your emotions because you are so psychologically opened up to them by choice. Happiness is a choice at every moment, it’s self-controlled, and because you choose to be opened up to these people, they can so easily make you feel happy.

If a stranger told you “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened in my life”, you’re most likely not to care, because you’re not close to that person, you don’t love that person, so you’re not receiving what they say because you’re not opened up to them, there’s a mental block. Whereas, if someone close to you said that, it will obviously have an impact on the way you feel, it it reaches your heart so easily.

It’s the same concept when you see a picture of your favourite animal looking happy, it can bring a smile to your face effortlessly and make you happy because you love that animal. As easy as just looking at a picture, you automatically feel happy.

When I open up to people because I love them, I experience all realms of emotions with them, positive and negative. When I experience that with them, it inevitably makes our bond stronger, it makes me discover emotions I didn’t know I could have because I’m so opened up to them. When these people hurt me, it almost shocks me because of that contrast between the good moments, that make up the greatest moments of my life, and the not-so-good moments. It’s like when you have something and it’s taken away from you, that’s worse than when you don’t have it at all. One day, that person can make you feel like you’re not grounded on Earth any more, instead of gravity carrying you, they are. Another day, they can make you cry so much, to the point where you can’t breathe.

Whatever they make me feel, I don’t label as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. I love and enjoy our good moments, and dislike feeling hurt because of them, but that’s not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing. As I posted before, I don’t label my emotions like that because they all help to complement each other, and I’m grateful for what I feel and experience because it opens up my mind and heart more.

 

I Don’t Label My Emotions

sesameIsn’t it logical to label happiness as ‘good’ and sadness as ‘bad’? That is overly-simplified. Emotions are not black or white, there are many shades of grey in between. I appreciate my times of sadness, because how can I know the true taste of happiness if I haven’t experienced sadness? How would I know what it feels like to be secure, without experiencing vulnerability? How can I appreciate knowledge without experiencing ignorance?

As cheesy as it sounds, the day allows you to appreciate the night, the summer allows you to appreciate the winter, and the moon allows you to appreciate the sun – contrasts are made so you can appreciate. That’s why the positive and negative cells of a magnet attract, they all help to complement each other.

Therefore, I don’t like to label my emotions as good or bad, because they all complement each other and help to build up a bigger picture of a stronger version of me. They help me to further discover myself more and the more emotions I experience, the more knowledgeable I become.

 

loveI’ve been brought up to think that I don’t need anyone for anything. Then, I meet someone and suddenly everything’s changed. I feel like I need that person, I can’t live without that person, I’m obsessed with that person. I’ve opened up for that person in every way, knowing I have a fear of getting too close to people because they might hurt me, but yet, I trust so much in that person.

I feel confused because I’ve always been somehow not in need of anyone, but now since I feel like I do, I’m starting to think of myself as weak or empty or in need of security. But then again, I feel like that person is a part of me, inside me, my other half, my completion, my true companion, my best friend… It’s like that person has seen me in my most vulnerable state, but that’s my natural state. Inside, we are all vulnerable.

“Bountiful is your life, full and complete. Or so you think, until someone comes along and makes you realize what you have been missing all this time. Like a mirror that reflects what is absent rather than present, he shows you the void in your soul – the void you have resisted seeing. That person can be a lover, a friend, or a spiritual master. Sometimes it can be a child to look after, what matters is to find the soul that will complete yours” – The Fourty Rules of Love by Elif Shafak (novel)

I think that the best way to find someone whom you have a special connection with is through time. As long as you are patient, God will reward you and give you what is best for you.

I don’t want to say that your happiness depends on another person, because you can choose to be happy in every moment of your life and at the end of the day, you are with yourself and can provide everything for yourself, but it’s so special when you view someone to be you – like you are one person, and you’re so comfortable together to just be, and that person can be anyone, even your pet?

 

 

 

Real Friends vs. Fake Friends

 

loveI’ve been hurt a lot by friends of all sorts and one day many years ago, I came home from school crying because I didn’t have any friends, because I didn’t find anyone who ‘thinks’ like me. I’m not saying that I was better than anyone else, or more mature, but being the only child, you naturally get more influenced by grown-ups. So when I’m in class, and start talking about the current economic climate or corrupt politicians (because I hear my parents talk about that stuff), other kids naturally run away… My mum told me ‘you are your own best friend’, and my dad told me ‘best friends don’t exist, because they come and go’.

I found that girls are the worst. They get jealous, they gossip behind your back, they want you to look/act a certain way, because somehow their image depends on that, they pretend to be your friend, but you’re actually secret enemies. Of course, that’s a massive stereotype, but I’ve always experienced those sorts of girls in my life.

I thought it would get better when I’m older, since we become more mature, and it does, depending on how you look at it. We all have different priorities, and again, massive stereotype but it’s what I’m currently experiencing: people my age tend to have priorities of being ‘social’, whether it’s having accounts of every single social media company that ever existed or going to parties, getting drunk, etc.

I’m not interested in that, because my soul is not going to benefit from that, but someone else might. I’m not saying I’m ‘right’ or ‘better’, but I’m saying that we’re all taking different paths. And hopefully, we’ll reach the same destination of self-discovery, and self-improvement, even if our methods or ways of living is completely different.

So, what is a real friend?

I define it as someone who uplifts you for no advantage or gain of their own. They do it because they simply love you, respect you, and trust you, which are three highly important things in any friendship or relationship.

But when it comes to friends, it’s totally quality rather than quantity. I feel like just one real, genuine friend, who truly loves you is equal to a million friends, and you would be very lucky to find a friend like that, so smile if you do (and smile if you don’t!)

At the end of the day, you have to learn to become your own best friend, as cheesy as it sounds. You will always have yourself, you sleep with yourself, you wake up with yourself, eat with yourself, and you’re inside yourself. So, make the most out of you, and make sure to have alone time, when you can just talk to yourself and self-reflect, it’s golden time. Funnily enough, the more you bond/connect with yourself, the more easier it will become to bond/connect with other people, since you’re more familiar with your needs and priorities in a friend. And when you can provide for yourself, you can definitely provide for others.