You Just Need To Let Go

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I’ve been trying to let go of that urge to control things. Sometimes I just love things being in my hand and me in control of what’s going on. My hands just grasp on it for my sanity. But I need to let go. I need to let go and accept that whatever will be, will be. There’s been a long time when that feeling of control wasn’t really there or wasn’t so intense. I was in a healthier frame of mind. But now with all sorts of things becoming quite unknown to me and overwhelming to me, there’s this need to control as much of my current life as I can and to hold on tight because of a vulnerability of mine. I need to realise that whatever will be will be, loosen up my fingers and just let go. The worst thing that could happen is perhaps the best thing that could happen, because it’s meant to be. Things should happen freely and flowingly, rather than forced and controlled.

It’s okay if you let go. It’s okay. You don’t own anything, remember that. You are actually not in possession of anything, life doesn’t owe you anything, you’re not supposed to own ‘this or that’. Because you just don’t.

My fear holding me back from letting go requires me to waste my energy and hold onto something with all my power and strength so it allegedly doesn’t disappear from my life. Impossible. It’s a waste of my energy, when we can just let go, let it all be free, and rather than hold onto something, just flow like a feather so light and free in the air. It’s like holding onto the bar of a helicopter and finally letting go so you’re alone just supported by the air. Let it take you. Let it take you away and just let go. Breathe, finally breathe.

Learn to love the journey and enjoy every moment of it without holding onto anything.

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I find myself lost. I don’t know who I am. What I stand for. Just lost in emotions. Where am I? I find myself being 12 again. The age of 12 when I faced so many major changes in my life, confused about my identity, asking who am I, where am I, why am I created. A time of complete confusion. A time where I felt lonely, a time where I felt like I needed so much, I needed freedom. Physical and spiritual freedom. I had no confidence. Constrained within myself. I didn’t feel beautiful. Nothing made me feel beautiful. I used to wish someone told me I was truly beautiful. I used to wish a boy could hold me, touch me, just out of pure love and emotion. I used to wish someone can look into my eyes and uplift me, lift me up so so high that I wouldn’t feel a thing. My face showed absolutely no sign of what I was suffering from inside. I wanted to be held, I wanted to feel safe. I wanted someone to wrap around me, protect me. I was so lonely. Gradually during my teenage years, I developed and became a whole new person, each day, just reflecting and growing, mentally and emotionally. I went to all different directions, tried them, experienced them, and picked where I want to be. I got incredible confidence, from simply reducing myself down to my soul, emitting pure love, a pure smile to everything around me. I got to a point where I felt genuine happiness in my life. And through all I’ve been through, I’ve genuinely realised how purely blessed I am, what I want in life, to live a life full of growth, love, and pure embracing of my emotions, good and bad, because they’re all experiences and they’re a blessing for me. That’s how I continued and I know that’s how I want to continue, just living genuinely with love. But how do I feel right now? I feel like I’m back to 12 or my early teenage years. I feel like I want so much, I want so much love, I want to be wrapped and protected. I feel scared. I don’t feel like I’m beautiful. I created this blog originally to share my emotions, and positivity on body image and self-acceptance. How ironic I find myself 3 years later wanting that self acceptance all over again. It’s not as intense as when I was younger, but I really feel like I’m not good enough.. I’m not beautiful enough.. I’m not complete.. I’m crying as I write this.. I don’t know who I am I don’t know what I want.. I feel confused.. I feel like I am nothing.. I want to cry cry cry all my emotions out.. It’s overwhelming.. But this is just growth…

Too much empathy?

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I’ve been empathising and feeling people so much, to the point where I feel that I’m them and it shocks me to feel what they feel. It scares me. My heart feels like it doesn’t belong to me, because it’s filled with the emotions of others, until I wake myself up, and find me, to relocate myself back to me. It opened up my eyes more to what I really want in my life, and not to do what they did. I do it too much. I feel overwhelmed. I love feeling, because to me, they are my experiences. The more I feel, the more I experience. Therefore, I always try to understand others, and feel what they feel. I love it. But recently, I’ve been doing it too much, to the people who are closest to me, to the extent where I’m physically shaking and feel like I have no energy. I prayed, asking God to fill my heart with his love. I felt much better. I don’t know how much is too much. I don’t know if I should continue or stop myself. I feel like it’s a duty that I have. I empathise with everyone, the ‘good’ and ‘bad’, I guess it’s because I have a natural care for people, or that I’m opened to people. There’s no right way or wrong way to do anything. I believe sharing ideas, emotions, and thoughts is the way to being closer together. It’s common ground, rather than distancing ourselves from each other through the increasing barriers between us, when from inside, we all really are the same.

 

 

It’s okay to just sit there and not do anything, I think they’re daily moments of bliss to just lose track of time, and our duties. Most days, I don’t know what day of the month or week it is. Some people call it unorganised. Some people tell me I should get up and do something. But you don’t always have to be doing something. Sometimes it’s just good to day dream, re-charge, think, and relax. It’s good to just be in the present moment, and not think about what happened yesterday or plan what’s going to happen tomorrow.

 

 

In the past month, since my birthday, I’ve experienced the deepest, most contrasting emotions of my life. I experienced real friendship, love in its purest form, heart ache, helplessness, unity, gain, loss, being forgiven, forgiving, empathy, companionship, guilt, honesty, obsession, feeling trapped in my body and thoughts, eating so much, not eating at all, shock, pain, I felt like I didn’t want to be any more, fragile, ecstatic, smiling so much my face hurts, laughing so much my abs hurt, breathless because I was crying so much, heart beating so hard I feel it in every cell of my body, wanting to be a mother, loneliness, strength, weakness, feeling controlled, being turned on, off, pure freedom, loved, adored, shaken… Just everything, and I can’t even put them all into words.

Yet, nothing major in my life happened, I’m still living in the same way and talking to the same people. I just feel so much, and I’ve never been that sensitive before in my life. I feel like I’m so opened up to the world, I’m feeling everything. As much as I like it, and feel emotionally free because I’m sensing everything, I also feel vulnerable because I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t know what to expect, but I shouldn’t expect anything, because everything’s possible. And when you expect something, you are actually more vulnerable since you might not get it. It feels so comfortable to just live and feel.

 

This post is a little randomly put together and I don’t know if it makes sense or not, but feelings/thoughts don’t have to make sense…

When the closest people to me hurt me or upset me, I sometimes tell myself, “why do people have to be like that?!”. It’s because you see them as your place of comfort in the world, and that often happens with my parents, since I know that I come from them and I trust them so much and when they hurt me, it can be extra painful. I end up picturing humankind to be the same, because if they are like that, then what would strangers be like? It’s just generalising humans. You can’t forget that you are your own place of comfort – because when there’s love inside you, that’s what you’ll see in humans, and the world around you. When there’s fear inside you, that’s what you’ll see in humans and the world around you.

People who are close to you can easily manipulate your emotions because you are so psychologically opened up to them by choice. Happiness is a choice at every moment, it’s self-controlled, and because you choose to be opened up to these people, they can so easily make you feel happy.

If a stranger told you “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened in my life”, you’re most likely not to care, because you’re not close to that person, you don’t love that person, so you’re not receiving what they say because you’re not opened up to them, there’s a mental block. Whereas, if someone close to you said that, it will obviously have an impact on the way you feel, it it reaches your heart so easily.

It’s the same concept when you see a picture of your favourite animal looking happy, it can bring a smile to your face effortlessly and make you happy because you love that animal. As easy as just looking at a picture, you automatically feel happy.

When I open up to people because I love them, I experience all realms of emotions with them, positive and negative. When I experience that with them, it inevitably makes our bond stronger, it makes me discover emotions I didn’t know I could have because I’m so opened up to them. When these people hurt me, it almost shocks me because of that contrast between the good moments, that make up the greatest moments of my life, and the not-so-good moments. It’s like when you have something and it’s taken away from you, that’s worse than when you don’t have it at all. One day, that person can make you feel like you’re not grounded on Earth any more, instead of gravity carrying you, they are. Another day, they can make you cry so much, to the point where you can’t breathe.

Whatever they make me feel, I don’t label as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. I love and enjoy our good moments, and dislike feeling hurt because of them, but that’s not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing. As I posted before, I don’t label my emotions like that because they all help to complement each other, and I’m grateful for what I feel and experience because it opens up my mind and heart more.

 

I Don’t Label My Emotions

sesameIsn’t it logical to label happiness as ‘good’ and sadness as ‘bad’? That is overly-simplified. Emotions are not black or white, there are many shades of grey in between. I appreciate my times of sadness, because how can I know the true taste of happiness if I haven’t experienced sadness? How would I know what it feels like to be secure, without experiencing vulnerability? How can I appreciate knowledge without experiencing ignorance?

As cheesy as it sounds, the day allows you to appreciate the night, the summer allows you to appreciate the winter, and the moon allows you to appreciate the sun – contrasts are made so you can appreciate. That’s why the positive and negative cells of a magnet attract, they all help to complement each other.

Therefore, I don’t like to label my emotions as good or bad, because they all complement each other and help to build up a bigger picture of a stronger version of me. They help me to further discover myself more and the more emotions I experience, the more knowledgeable I become.

 

loveI’ve been brought up to think that I don’t need anyone for anything. Then, I meet someone and suddenly everything’s changed. I feel like I need that person, I can’t live without that person, I’m obsessed with that person. I’ve opened up for that person in every way, knowing I have a fear of getting too close to people because they might hurt me, but yet, I trust so much in that person.

I feel confused because I’ve always been somehow not in need of anyone, but now since I feel like I do, I’m starting to think of myself as weak or empty or in need of security. But then again, I feel like that person is a part of me, inside me, my other half, my completion, my true companion, my best friend… It’s like that person has seen me in my most vulnerable state, but that’s my natural state. Inside, we are all vulnerable.

“Bountiful is your life, full and complete. Or so you think, until someone comes along and makes you realize what you have been missing all this time. Like a mirror that reflects what is absent rather than present, he shows you the void in your soul – the void you have resisted seeing. That person can be a lover, a friend, or a spiritual master. Sometimes it can be a child to look after, what matters is to find the soul that will complete yours” – The Fourty Rules of Love by Elif Shafak (novel)

I think that the best way to find someone whom you have a special connection with is through time. As long as you are patient, God will reward you and give you what is best for you.

I don’t want to say that your happiness depends on another person, because you can choose to be happy in every moment of your life and at the end of the day, you are with yourself and can provide everything for yourself, but it’s so special when you view someone to be you – like you are one person, and you’re so comfortable together to just be, and that person can be anyone, even your pet?

 

 

 

We are so lucky!

imageI feel so blessed as I honestly have everything I want. Sometimes it strikes an inner fear of losing what I have. I could have been located in war zones, unsafe, hostile places with hardly any human rights. Do we ever forget that we’re actually so blessed? Yet, I just want to be really humble and when I think that I’m so blessed and get these little butterflies from inside, I think “it’s too much for me” and I start to feel guilty as there is so much power in my hands.

Then, I get people who think I’m waaaay too lucky, a girl with a nice house, rich, beautiful, has cool, young looking parents and no siblings (always a plus). And I’m like wait… Half these things are not even true. They say “your life is so perfect, I wish I had a mum or dad like you” “I can’t believe you wear make-up, you make me feel so ugly because you’re already beautiful” “I want your life, I want your body”. All these comments make me feel so guilty and I’m constantly being labelled upon how I superficially look like. You should actually be me to really know what my life is like, but then I think, wait, maybe they’re right. My life really is perfect, and if anyone looks in it, they wouldn’t find a flaw. In fact, the only flaw in any life is the person, because the person is the one who chooses how to see their own life.

Everyone on earth gets something if they actually seek something. We all come to this life with a certain amount of gifts and blessings, whether it’s a piece of bread or a giant palace. Don’t look at what others have, not because you can’t properly judge their lives, but because you should be busy enough with yours. No matter how much you compare yourself to someone, nothing will change, but the time that passes away in which YOU could have changed something in your life. Time is not just money, time is energy, time is growing, and time is learning. It’s all about the actions you take, if you want money, Google ‘how to start my own business’ NOW, if you want to change the way your body looks, stop researching and start moving your body. If you want to become an inspiration, live genuinely and honestly and seek to improve yourself, not others. Because the truth is, everyone’s an inspiration, and I learn something from every single person I’ve met and always will.

I didn’t make this blog so I can be labelled as an ‘inspiration’, or to ‘change lives’, I made it to express my inner feelings as I grow. I am a normal person who isn’t perfect, who makes mistakes, and can be mean (sometimes). So in no way should me or my life be labelled as ‘perfect’. Yet, I am thankful for myself and everything I have.