I’ve been quiet…

I have been quiet for a while, not posting as much. Feeling as though I just want to let go of everything, let go of any commitments or anything that I have to do. Just be. And when I’m like that, people always wonder  “why isn’t she doing anything” “she’s just sitting there she could be doing something”. And I feel like it’s such an ignorant statement because there could be something much greater going on inside one’s self. And it’s amazing how us humans are institutionalised to ‘doing’, it’s a part of our socio-economic system, we have to do something be somewhere, with things expected from us, we’re always living with these barriers around us, which at the end takes away from our freedom. And I’m not a doing machine, I’m a feeling machine. I’m a human. And it’s amazing to just be in the moment and feel because I’m constantly evolving. It’s about accepting and working with yourself as you evolve, it’s about living, loving, and being in every moment, not necessarily caught up with ‘doing’.

I trust myself, I trust my heart, I trust my internal dialogues, my internal feelings, my internal worlds, connecting with them. And even though I may seem quiet, inactive, there’s something much greater going on, evolving inside me. I appreciate and I am blessed for the times where I’m active, inactive, in the light, in the dark, or somewhere in between that I don’t even know. Because actually they’re not the labels we give them of ‘light’ or ‘dark’, because they all help each other to form me.

You have all inside yourself, listen to your heart, body and mind because they’re all one, they’re all connected. When you don’t have external mediums communicating to you, you start to naturally communicate more with yourself, tuning in to yourself. When you let go of ‘doing’ of what you’re expected, of hearing, of following, of what you ‘have’ to do, you’ll find that going deeper into yourself, there’s clarity within your vision. You’ll get a better idea of what you really want, that is where you find inspiration within your self, in your inner universe because everything is really there. And once you’ve entered that place inside yourself, that is only 1% of what’s inside you, because inside you, there’s everything. And people often forget about that, and get on with their everyday lives without accessing their deeper self perhaps in a way they could do or to a degree that they could do, and once they’ve done that, I believe, that magical things start to happen you find what you want because you are more clear to yourself, you start to attract the right things for you, you see things you didn’t see before, you feel things you didn’t feel before, you’ll hear things you didn’t hear before. You find inspiration inside yourself.

My Love…

You’re my hero, you’re my hero, you saved me from everything, you saved me from myself because I was deteriorating… You taught me how to speak up, about anything, just anything to the point where anything comes out of my mouth to anyone, you treasure my emotions so much, you handle them with care as you tell me to tell you everything, and even if I don’t, you go inside me and know all my emotions, even before I know them.. You taught me what real protection is, to feel safe and protected with someone, to feel that there’s nothing, absolutely nothing to worry about, if I’m shaking you’re there to hold me and stabilise me.. You taught me what a real best friend is, always wanting to listen to me, discuss everything with me, going hyper with me, random with me, laughing with me and crying with me… You taught me what a real man is, a man with pure emotions, a man with no fear to feel, the strongest form of strength, an endless heart, with never ending love and passion, the manliest man on earth… You taught me what a real soul mate is, someone who feels you from the deepest place, the very core of their soul, someone with an indescribable spiritual connection with you that sparkles your every day, someone you feel you’ve known forever, before you were even born… You taught me what a real husband is, that purely loves me, to care for me, to protect me with all your energy, that knows every thought in my mind, every emotion I experience, every cell in my body, you just know it, you know me, you know me inside out and outside in… You taught me what true love is, the feeling I can never quite describe, that only God has a name for, you physically took me and showed me ‘Lugine, this is love’, you’re the one who did that, do you know what that means to me?

Too much empathy?

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I’ve been empathising and feeling people so much, to the point where I feel that I’m them and it shocks me to feel what they feel. It scares me. My heart feels like it doesn’t belong to me, because it’s filled with the emotions of others, until I wake myself up, and find me, to relocate myself back to me. It opened up my eyes more to what I really want in my life, and not to do what they did. I do it too much. I feel overwhelmed. I love feeling, because to me, they are my experiences. The more I feel, the more I experience. Therefore, I always try to understand others, and feel what they feel. I love it. But recently, I’ve been doing it too much, to the people who are closest to me, to the extent where I’m physically shaking and feel like I have no energy. I prayed, asking God to fill my heart with his love. I felt much better. I don’t know how much is too much. I don’t know if I should continue or stop myself. I feel like it’s a duty that I have. I empathise with everyone, the ‘good’ and ‘bad’, I guess it’s because I have a natural care for people, or that I’m opened to people. There’s no right way or wrong way to do anything. I believe sharing ideas, emotions, and thoughts is the way to being closer together. It’s common ground, rather than distancing ourselves from each other through the increasing barriers between us, when from inside, we all really are the same.

My Life Felt like TV…

DSC_0197It just feels so weird when all of a sudden, your life feels like a drama, a movie, a TV series. To the extent where you don’t even know what to feel or what to think any more, because you’ve never experienced such things, you only see them on TV to potentially attract audience. So people watch it and get amused, but when it happens to you, it hits you. You start to think of it like a chess game. What move should I make and what are the consequences of it? To put myself in everybody else’s shoes and think what’s the best decision for all of us. To fully think with the mind of that person. And to think that you have the power to change it all, to turn everything upside down, to experience the tough consequences, but it should all add up to form a bigger picture, in the long term, to something positive and meaningful. But thinking in the short term, makes it dominate your mind and lets nervousness run through you. Feeling vulnerable. Feeling hurt. But feeling powerful, because it’s in my hands. I try to take a mental break from it, but even when I sleep, I’m dreaming it. I don’t know what to do. I decide to wait a bit and see what fate brings, but look at every moment that passes with doubt, wondering if I should have done something.

This is how I felt a while ago, now things are cooler, and not as heated up. And what happened at the end was okay, but I know that it’s not the end. It’s like a roller coaster going up and down, but now I have a better, clearer picture of what to do when it shoots up again.

 

 

It’s okay to just sit there and not do anything, I think they’re daily moments of bliss to just lose track of time, and our duties. Most days, I don’t know what day of the month or week it is. Some people call it unorganised. Some people tell me I should get up and do something. But you don’t always have to be doing something. Sometimes it’s just good to day dream, re-charge, think, and relax. It’s good to just be in the present moment, and not think about what happened yesterday or plan what’s going to happen tomorrow.

 

 

In the past month, since my birthday, I’ve experienced the deepest, most contrasting emotions of my life. I experienced real friendship, love in its purest form, heart ache, helplessness, unity, gain, loss, being forgiven, forgiving, empathy, companionship, guilt, honesty, obsession, feeling trapped in my body and thoughts, eating so much, not eating at all, shock, pain, I felt like I didn’t want to be any more, fragile, ecstatic, smiling so much my face hurts, laughing so much my abs hurt, breathless because I was crying so much, heart beating so hard I feel it in every cell of my body, wanting to be a mother, loneliness, strength, weakness, feeling controlled, being turned on, off, pure freedom, loved, adored, shaken… Just everything, and I can’t even put them all into words.

Yet, nothing major in my life happened, I’m still living in the same way and talking to the same people. I just feel so much, and I’ve never been that sensitive before in my life. I feel like I’m so opened up to the world, I’m feeling everything. As much as I like it, and feel emotionally free because I’m sensing everything, I also feel vulnerable because I don’t know what’s coming. I don’t know what to expect, but I shouldn’t expect anything, because everything’s possible. And when you expect something, you are actually more vulnerable since you might not get it. It feels so comfortable to just live and feel.