My soul mate..

Whenever I post something on my blog, particularly about my feelings, I always like to end it with a note of hope or a solution because I really want to try my best to uplift other people. But right now I feel almost declining rather than uprising in my hope with what I’m feeling.. Or actually as I write this I might be inspired to get a solution to what I am going through. But the most important thing however, is that right now I am sure other people are going through the same emotions, so even though I may be expressing my feelings rather than offering words of wisdom, we are all in this together and we can all virtually hug each other.

I feel like I don’t know what love is anymore or heartbreak anymore. I have no idea if someone tells me they are going to be with me forever, if that is really true or not. If one day, everything just flips over so out of routine. If everyday, no matter what happens, he always says I love you before going to bed. But this time, he didn’t. If everyday you feel like his girl, but now you feel like a stranger. How one day I was sure of this more than anything, I would get in the way of doing anything just to listen to his voice. I could go through anything for him. And people would be surpised like ‘oh, you would do that? For a guy?’ And I’d look at them with such confusion like what world do you live in? Of course I would, he’s my one and only, he’s my soul mate. Wouldn’t you do that, go through anything for the person you love? Do we live in such a stiff world? Robotic? Rather than running through the jungle, having cuts and bruises in your skin, escaping a pack of lions, all sweaty.. But you just keep going, climbing up the mountains, escaping a volcano, you carry on running and running with love powering you through it, jump down the hill just to meet your love. And it’s that moment when you’re just there together that erases everything that you’ve been through, it was all nothing, absolutely nothing. It’s that special moment where everything stops. You feel like you’re not on Earth anymore, but up the sky, in another universe. Everyday, no matter what we go through, is like this. You always promised me with a family, to live with me eternally. And I would always think everything’s okay, the contract of love is already signed. This is it, this is my one and only, my life is complete. Anything that happens, it’s okay. I have my love, so why worry about anything? What is there to really worry about, how bad can anything be? I would walk like I’m floating on clouds, smiling like I’ve never smiled before, opened to a degree I’ve never been before. Just opened to the world. My smile entered the world inside me, I had it all inside me. It’s like I felt like a queen, and he is my king. We own everything, we go through everything. So strong so powerful together.

Years on, and it feels like a war zone. I was so high up in the sky but right now I feel like I’m so beat up on the ground. And I can’t get up. I feel so weak. I feel like now it’s just me. My body is aching, but I look around me and you’re not there.. I feel like all I want to do is sleep. Just to not feel anything. Just to not feel my heart hurting or my tears exploding. This is a time where I feel so weak. I keep thinking to myself.. Maybe because I’m going through so much, maybe because I’m just moody, whatever.. But whatever the excuse is, it wasn’t what I was going through before. There’s nothing, there’s absolutely nothing. But yet you tell me to end it there so cheaply, so easily, like it’s a playful toy. Twice so far I felt like that was it. It’s going to end. And right now, I don’t know what it is, I don’t know what I’m feeling, I wish I had a mental book of guidance to guide me but I don’t. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what he wants. But not telling me I love you before you go to sleep means a lot to me. Indicates something to me, so I’m leaving you alone until you make up your mind. This is my first love, and my only love. I always thought that even if it didn’t workout, I would live alone single for the rest of my life. Because it’s either I’m with the person I love, or with no one. I want absolutely no one. Sometimes I think.. Am I meant to even be with someone? I’m a complete head ache, a complete crazy person.. How could anyone take me? I’m like the most loving caring person, I can give you everything, I can give you my life. But maybe I’m also an obsessive control freak.. I don’t know. I don’t know if anyone can take it. I don’t knoww what this is. I don’t know what love is. I don’t know what a soul mate is. I always knew he was my soul mate because it felt like we’ve known each other before we were born, and we feel each other excessively well. Every emotion that comes out of us, we feel it and we share it. It’s sometimes hard being so close to feel everything together. But why is this happening now? Why now? Before, ‘ending’ it was a red line, it wouldn’t even be mentioned. But now it’s a solution? Now you’re telling me you’re not the right person for me, and telling me to go ahead and end it.. Is it because you’re scared to do it? Does that mean you had enough? What is this? Why is this so painful so much torture and why am I so stubborn why do I love you so much. Again, I’m thinking.. I should be alone for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like I just don’t trust men. I just don’t, and that’s my problem. I don’t know what I want. All I wish for right now, is for things to be less painful so I can get on with my life. I want my heart to heal. I want to get up off the ground. My head hurts. But at the end, it’s really your choice.

I realised how weak I am. The people around me always label me as a strong person. I guess it’s because I grow out of things so quickly, I enter them hard, until I collapse, and leave them. Done. But with love, I don’t know what I’m dealing with. All my life, I’ve had guys coming to me. But I never really wanted any. I didn’t really care. Sometimes in the darkest of days, I wish a guy could just hold my hand and tell me that I’m purely beautiful rather than sexy. Just so pure so innocent. I wanted to know that real love exists. Even though I sometimes wanted a relationship, I never actively pursued it. I always thought I’ll wait until the time comes, because I want real love. I want real emotions. I want real passion. I wanted a really genuine person that would be with me forever. So that area of my life was ‘paused’ like on a DVD player. I was always so by myself, I don’t really have a big family here, I don’t have siblings, and I don’t have any true friends – they would always do something behind my back. So really, I felt alone. There’s difference between being alone and feeling alone. Feeling alone is when you feel like you’re isolated and no one is really there for you. So I was going through the darkest of days, with absolutely no body, I was just so vulnerable at that time in my life. Eventually, I grew out of it, after those years, things started to change. I started praying that my life would change, that I can change, I wanted light in my life. I started improving, bit by bit, picking up myself from the floor, gaining strength, improving myself and my health. I’m so thankful for that. I never knew I would get out, I thought my life would be like that forever, but I did. I really learned that you can get out of anything, no matter what it is, no matter how dark it may be. Because you are a human, inside you full of energy and potential. Inside you, there’s everything.. There’s a whole universe, and if you start to look for positivity, that is what you will attract. So my life really started improving, and right at that time, I found my soul mate, my first love. And I was mind-blown, even though we’re so far away, it seems like we’re so close. It seems like we came out of each other. Like we’re the same person. And I thought to myself, this is what I’ve been waiting for all along. It’s meant to be. I felt like a whole new different person, now connected to the most amazing man. My Prince Charming. Everything about him so perfectly crafted and tailored, as if he wasn’t a real person. He seemed so youthful and energetic, I always imagined him running to get what he wanted, running across the football pitch to score a goal, to get what he wanted, so high and tall. To score for me. He started telling me he wanted to have a family with me.. To my surprise and unexpectedness, I questioned myself if a guy that age really wanted that, and a guy so perfect, really wanted it with me? I kept thinking that I’m so blessed to have that, it almost didn’t absorb into me at first because I was so shocked. I couldn’t sleep because of the hyperness, all I think about is him. We did anything to talk to each other, to get to each other. I felt so special and I felt stronger than ever in my life. I felt like I wasn’t alone, but there is someone who is meant to be with me, who’s there for me, who cares for me, out of pure emotion and nothing else. There was something so exotic about it, so mysterious, yet, so real and so genuine and pure. I loved it, they were some of the best days of my life. I always say that every day with him is the best day of my life. But everything was just going so smooth, my life at school, my health, my spirituality, and wellbeing were at their best. I felt so strong. Of course, as time passes, we have our ups and downs, but that’s okay. We always ended it swiftly, by understanding each other, because we were together, not against each other. Every little thing he does can make me jump up and smile and squeak in hyperness, but can also hurt me so much and make me cry hard. But now I’m reflecting with myself.. Was all that real? Why is it when we clash now, we’re going against each other, rather than with each other? And so cheaply the words ‘end it now’ comes out, after everything we’ve been through.. Because I’m feeling so weak now and so beat up, was my strength built upon something breakable? It never even crossed my mind that it was breakable, it was impossible. But now it seems easy. I never knew. What is love? I also feel like other emotions that I don’t want are blended in.. Like ownership, like possession, insecurity.. Rather than being pure, clean love, that’s so pure that it’s almost not human, it became more human. More down to earth, polluted, rather than up in the sky..

I never give up on what I love, and I always have hope that things will change. Writing this, although I was crying, made me feel better and stronger at a time where I’m feeling weak. I always like to give a possible solution, or words of hope at the end to those who read my posts, but I am sure someone else is going through this and we are all here together. This is my first love, so I really don’t know what’s going on most of the time, but I try to trust my instincts. It is hard, especially that I am so emotionally connected to him, but it makes me realise that I have to be more strong and independent. Because I believe that no woman should be taken back because of anything, because of any insecurity. No woman should feel like she has to hold onto anybody, or anything, or stay in a relationship where she doesn’t want to be. Or give something that she doesn’t want to give. I feel like so many women bear with so much and just keep quiet. I see my mum, and I want to uplift her from where she is, she has to go. That is why I never want to be in that position, I never want to be married, with kids, and be in a relationship that I want to escape from. That’s why I do anything to protect myself from that. Sometimes to the point where it makes me go crazy.. But it’s not just for women, it’s for anybody. Usually in a long-term relationship, because it becomes part of your every-day life, and even identity, it can be hard to let go because it’s your comfort zone, because you’re used to it, because of fear. But it’s thinking about what you would gain rather than lose if your relationship is unsatisfactory, it could be scary, but you deserve to be happy. And sometimes the happiest people are the ones who let go, because you are a free human being.

Anyway, I am very present-time orientated, and I’m trying to take it bit by bit, one moment and a time, and being patient for what to come. I feel better after writing this and I am so thankful to have this platform to share my emotions. ❤️ I love you.

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How to get (super) dewy, wet-looking skin with affordable make-up…

imageThis isn’t how to get dewy skin, but this is another level of dewy, another level of shine, almost wet-looking skin, so be prepared! I used all drugstore products to achieve this look, except for the foundation (but you can use any products that you like!)

1. Make sure you’ve exfoliated your skin to get rid of any dead skin cells, and you’ve moisturised your face, to ensure the make-up goes on smoothly. I also sprayed rose water on my face to add more glow.
2. A dewy skin look can really highlight a rough skin surface, blemishes, pores, that are not even visible without make-up. So after proper skin-care, you can use a smoothing, pore-minimising primer on certain areas of your face. On the rest of your face, you can apply an illuminating primer. Colour-correct and conceal blemishes if you want to. Continue reading

I want to hold you so close next to my heart, you’re my soul mate, the soul that completes mine… You’re my love, my first love, and you’ll forever be my love. I want to hug you to tight that I merge into you, when we merge, the epitome of love emerges out of us, like the light of the sun shining so bright, that no one can can go through, that showers people and the vegetation with life, that flourishes everything around it. Our bond so strong that I use all my might and power to protect you, because you’re a part of me, a part of my skin that completes me. A part of my heart that completes me. A part of my soul, because when I met you, I knew you, I felt you. Instantly. Did I know you from before? Before I came to being? You’re my light that made me fall in love with myself at a time I didn’t know who I was. Not because you loved me, but because you made me feel like I’m a bearer of life. You made me realise my strength, my passion, and that I could hold life within me. You made me realise the endless ocean that’s inside me, moving with such density, that holds all the feelings inside me. You held me, opened me up so I could cry out that ocean.

1461 Calorie High Protein Smoothie

 

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This is only an estimate of what this smoothie can provide, 1461 calories, and 47 grams of protein (woah!) It’s great for people who want to increase their daily calories, perhaps gain weight, or those who do body-building.  You can really alter the ingredients, depending on your preferences (but this may alter the calorie and protein intake). You can also add protein powder, or more fruits for extra protein and quick carbohydrates. However, if you’re looking to significantly increase your protein intake, make sure you eat protein with every meal (around 20-30 grams of protein)  because your body cannot actually absorb a very high amount of protein at once, therefore, for building muscles, it is more beneficial to spread out your protein intake during the day.

  • 2 cups of cow’s milk:  84 calories, 8g of protein (or the milk of your choice, please note that cow’s milk can cause you to feel bloated, especially when drinking such a rich smoothie, so I would recommend another type of milk!)
  • 45 g oats:   175 calories, 8g of protein
  • 2 bananas: 200 calories, 2 g of protein
  • 100g almonds: 600 calories,  21g of protein
  • 1 large tablespoon of peanut butter: 100 calories, 4g of  protein
  • 1 large tablespooon of almond butter: 100 calories, 4g of protein
  • 3 tablespoons of honey: 192 calories
  • 1 tsp maca powder: 10 calories
  • Ice (or frozen fruits/bananas)

Blend all the ingredients together (I usually like to blend the almonds first so they turn to powder or you can soak them in water overnight to soften them up) and enjoy the yummines! ♥

 

 

It scares me when I’m at school and I look around me to see every individual looking into their phones, numb to their surroundings. It really scares me. The moment I zone out and observe, literally every single one staring at their phone screens, not interacting with one another. When I’m on the bus and zone out, every person around me has ear phones in their ear. Everyone looks the same, everyone does the same thing. And I think that each and every one of those people have accounts online, adding to the massive database, containing their private information and life. Every single person’s life is added to that database that’s owned by who? I don’t know. That scares me. So artificial and unnatural.

Super Healthy Plant Protein Pancakes

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This is a super healthy, energising, protein filled recipe and I love eating it for breakfast! It does not look very appetising but it is very delicious! Especially if you’re craving something sweet, at the same time, want something nutrious and filling, this is perfect!

  • 1-2 bananas (I usually use 2!)
  • 1 scoop of hemp protein powder (provides around 14g of protein, all the essential amino acids, fibre, and lots of omega 3 and 6!)
  • 2 eggs (around 12g of protein and high in vitamins A, E, K, B, and folic acid)
  • Around 1 tbsp of honey (or less/more depending on your taste buds! You can substitute honey for any liquid sweetener that you would like)
  • Oats (I usually add enough so the batter is at a thicker consistency, but this also adds good complex carbohydrates as well as more protein!) I usually like to add 95g to have more calories and carbohydrates.
  • Coconut oil to fry

Start off with mashing the bananas well with a fork and add the eggs. Mix well but be careful not to mix too harshly as this can breakdown some of the nutrients in the eggs. Next, mix in the hemp protein powder, and the honey. Then gradually add in the oats so the batter reaches a thicker consistency so it sticks together while frying. Pour a bit of the pancake mixture in a hot, oiled pan (but be careful because this pancake can burn quickly!) and flip it to the other side when it is golden brown. Serve with anything that you like or you can eat it plain as this pancake is a filling, nutritious meal! Enjoy ♥♥

 

Openness…

Am I the only person who thinks its not weird to go up to a random person and say ‘hi, I’m going through this and that in my life’? If that was the case, the other person may think you’re weird, you’re random, or they need to get away from you because that’s just not ‘normal’. It’s okay to ask someone for the time, directions, but it’s not normal to go up to someone and say ‘hey.. Have you ever felt like this?’. It’s like a taboo subject. I get surprised whenever people tell me ‘you must really trust me to say this to me’ or ‘Lugine you don’t share things like that with people’, it’s not normal. I feel estranged because I don’t own my experiences, but they’re there to be  shared and be opened about. Because inside of us we are all going through the same thing. We’re all vulnerable. We all need to open up with each other, hug each other, and share. There is some kind of distance between me and the words that I say. When I say something, I’m not ‘saying something so personal to myself’ even though people view it as personal, but I see a distance between the words I say and the very me. I sometimes have this openedness that some people oppose, people think I’m weird. By time I learnt so ‘socialise’ myself in what to say and share with people. But I actually don’t like that. I want to walk with no weight upon myself, I want to walk like an opened heart, feeling and sharing everything. Walking emotionally bare. There is no taboo subject to me, there is nothing that you can say to me that’s ‘weird’ because I know that it’s inside us all.

I guess that’s why people always approach me for things, for help, random people on the street talk to me, pick me to talk to, rather than anybody else due to emitting that openedness because people feel it. People feel that you’re opened to them. Why do people generally find it hard to be emotional or to cry in public? To be opened to the world? To not feel awkward to show their very emotion? Why do some people feel uncomfortable when conversations get too deep, too emotional and hard to grasp? Why are people walking like a rigid, rational, machine rather than a flowy, soft, opened to feel human being? I wish the world was like that.. That anyone can just walk up to anyone and say ‘I’m going through this’ and they both hug each other and other says ‘I’m going through this too’. Love.

My experience with waist training.

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My experience with waist training after one month… 

I’ve always wanted a waist trainer, but I was somehow hesitant to if it actually works, is it safe, and what’s the point if I can just workout to get the shape I want?  So far, I have lost 1.5″ off my waist, down to 23.5″ and I’m actually quite surprised because I didn’t think it would be that effective on me. After just one to two weeks of wearing it I’ve noticed that it helps to flatten my stomach and enhance my shape more. Also, my favourite feature about the waist trainer is that it significantly improved my posture and it’s more second-nature to me to have a better posture even if I’m not wearing it. I never wanted to get a waist trainer as a weight loss medium, in fact, I’m actually trying to gain weight, but I wanted it to improve my body shape more, and attain a smaller waist, which is what I prefer on myself, (I’m not trying to portray that this is the ideal body type in any way, I’m just expressing what I prefer on myself and sharing my experience with my readers!). Continue reading

Marula Oil!

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Marula oil is by far my favourite skin care essential (along with rosewater!), it is a naturally anti-ageing, anti-oxidant rich oil, that’s reportedly the more powerful version of Morrocan argan oil. Through using it, I found that my skin looks so much more radiant, and youthful, especially when I apply it at night, in the morning my skin seriously looks magically amazing! This oil is so light weight, it absorbs fast into my skin, and even gives a matte finish to the skin (it can even be used as a make-up primer). It is a little bit pricey, but I think it’s totally worth it, since it’s completely natural, not artificial, and works absolutely amazing for the skin…

More information about marula oil:

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